Helping An Overweight Friend or Family Member

This is a never ending battle for me.
My mother is about 70 pounds overweight, and she has been diagnosed with high blood pressure, AND smokes cigarettes. I should also mention my mother is now widowed and lives alone (I am her only child)
I, her daughter, live in another area of the country and am the opposite. Fitness and healh are VERY important to me. I work out 6 days a week, and watch my diet carefully. Do not smoke, am a healthy weight, etc.
I am CONSTANTLY encouraging my mother to help herself and lose some weight, as she has expressed to me on many occasions that she wants to. She knows she is hurting her health. BUT she will do something, like join a gym or go to weight watchers, etc, but it will last for 1 week and she gives up!!! It hurts me very much, and I dont know what to do. I've laready figured out that she will not respond to negativity at all (if I nag her or get upset with her, she will shut me out). However, I have also tried praising the CRAP out of her when she does something right (go to gym, etc) so that she sees how proud I am of her. This does not work either. I am at a loss

Good luck with this one! If you can get someone to change, it will be a first. Setting a good example is the best you can do. When and if they are ready, and they see how your good habits benefit you, they may improve their lifestyle.

My father is 56 and has a BMI of 30 (same for my mother) My father does want to lose weight and knows he needs to, he is diabetic as well. I am very concerned for his health. He just always comes up with excuses as to why he can't go to the gym we belong to or he won't admit that he eats more than he thinks he does. He won't write down what he eats, he know's he uses food for comfort but he just won't do anything. I'm really afraid he's going to die before he's 60 if he doesn't change. Any advice on what I could do? I've tried telling him this, I've given him articles about how to eat healthy at restaurants and I've even stocked his freezer with Healthy Choice type frozen meals and veggies. He just won't educate himself. He's no busier than I am (I am full time grad student, working on research and on getting a study published, with a 6 day/ 30 hour a week job and I still find time to run 50 miles a week, so I know he, who is a successful independent contractor can make time to go to the gym 3 times a week for 30 min).
My mom is hopeless, she too is obese, but she doesn't care. It's like she wants to die. She knows better but she doesn't care, and she says so.
Help! I don't like watching my parents kill themselves!

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I think that until somebody asks for your help, you don't go there. This goes for weight, smoking, money problems, parenting...any topic for which people's opinion differs and judgment abounds.

I appreciate that people say its hard to watch someone they love "killing themselves" but just imagine how you would feel if someone you loved approached you to change a behaviour you didn't want to change. I personally find it difficult to see people stop challenging their brains once they are done school, and I could argue that they are at risk for dementia in the long run, but I'm not bugging them to read more or pick up a hard-core crossword puzzle habit. Just because you see it as a problem, doesn't mean they will, and if they don't, you're wasting your breath and risking your relationship.

I've simply given up on helping a close one. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. When I'm asked for help, I will help, and help a lot.

But until then, I lead by example -- I lead "from the front". If someone doesn't want to follow or ask, then that's their prerogative. I've given up any other way.

I think the whole "different priorities" thing definitely applies to my husband and myself. Exercise and eating well is a huge priority for me. I work out 6 or 7 days a week and am in terrific shape. My husband is probably 20 or 25 lbs overweight and doesn't really care about it. Occasionally, he'll mention that he should "get back in shape" and every time he mentions it, I try to be very encouraging. But, in the end, he usually just decides that he'd rather bum out on the couch instead of working out. I know I can't force him to do anything, but I gently try to encourage him to eat better by serving him the one veggie he'll eat (broccoli) and trying to keep his portions reasonable. I suppose it would be a little different if he were visibly unhealthy, but for now it's really just vanity weight.

My mother in law is another story though. She is probably 60 or 70 pounds or more overweight and she has a myriad of health issues. She's diabetic, has high blood pressure, is on thyroid meds, has sleep apnea and takes a statin to control her cholesterol. I think she really WANTS to be healthier, but at the same time I think she sort of likes being unhealthy. It's an attention thing...every time I see her, she tells me all about her conditions and what new meds she's on or her new CPAP machine or whatever. I give her suggestions about how to eat better when she asks, but I don't think she takes any of it to heart because she really does like being ill so she doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. Once, something happened where she was unable to do much for a while and my father-in-law had to do EVERYTHING for her and she milked it for all it was worth. She thrives on that sort of attention, so if she were to get healthy and be able to funtion on her own, I think it would be a very scary thing for her. I wonder how many people feel that way when it comes to being overweight or having serious health issues. Sort of like Munchausen syndrome or something like that.

also in these notes remember that healthy changes don't always lead to weight loss-lots of people can bring down their blood pressure/cholesterol, and generally be healthier and only lose a few pounds.

A friend of mine is very overweight, and also gets secondary gain from her condition (Thx Dr.J) Her weight is so bad, at the age of 14 (a couple months ago) She got a clogged artery in her left arm. Yes, an artery not a blood vessel. She was walking on a bench, and when she fell, she hit her arm on the ground, bursting the artery. She was rushed to the hospital and she now has a foot-long scar on her arm.The scar always has a strange pink/blue/purple color to it, and uses the color to get out of gym class by saying, "When it's this color, I can't do gym because of the lack of blood flow in my arm." Therefore, she gets sympathy for an injured arm, while avoiding excercise. It's been at least a month since she has participated in P.E. at school, and she deliberatley skips days that we have fittness. She is always complaing that she wants to lose weight. How do I help her get over herself, while motivating her to lose weight, and still do enjoyable activities?

I love this blog. I have tried in the past to get my family to improve their health and wellness and at times it has created resentment towards me, and I don't want that. Great ideas. If they are healthy and aren't interested don't push them, its not their priority. I love the idea of cooking for the whole family!

I believe that when you have responsibility for a child, you need to do everything you can to shape their habits to eat well and exercise.

Good tips in this article.

However, an adult family member or friend has to make their own choices and I have found that even if they say they want help, mostly they just keep on with the bad habits and whinge. At the adult level, looking after yourself is all you can do and be a shining example rather than a horrible warning.

like smokers, they already know that a poor lifestyle contributes to poor health. They don't need to hear it from you, as it's all over the news, on billboards, and on the tongues of busy bodies not minding their own business. Unless a person does something to change, you are wasting your breath and are looking for a fight. Set an example, and be supportive if they want to change, otherwise wait for them to have a serious health issue, then they might get the message.

do they have support groups or something for weight loss or for families of people trying to lose weight where you don't actually have to do a weekly weigh in or something?

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I know I can't "make" someone lose weight or accomplish any other goal unless the person wants it to happen. What I can do --and have done-- is create an environment that doesn't throw up roadblocks. Keeping sugary goodies out of the pantry when I know sugar cravings are hard for my loved one to resist. Taking time to create meals that are healthy. Buying healthy snack foods. Offering encouragment that doesn't sound fake. And I believe in the power of prayer so I quietly pray that my loved one will see in himself all the best that he has in him to be.