I'm 21 years old and I know weigh 210 pounds and am 5'6. Pretty much my whole life I thought I was fat. My mom had an eating disorder for many years and she's obsessed with working out and eating the bare minimum now. My dad has struggled a little with weight but he's a very busy business man and can't find the time to always go to the gym. Nobody in my family is obese, weight has never been a huge issue.
My parents always told me I needed to workout, so therefore I always thought I was big. I didn't choose the best foods to eat when I was young, but I never over ate. I was active in basketball and baseball, then P.E. in jr.high. Then during and after high school I started to party, and stopped doing sports, etc. I still was not fat. Looking back at pictures during that time, makes me so sad. I went to hawaii about 3 years ago with my family and I was so miserable there bcuz I felt like I had never been this fat and I didnt want to walk around in a bathing suit. I look at those pictures now and I kick myself big time for not flaunting what I had bcuz I had a good body, no one ever told me.
So throughout the years, I kept gradually gaining weight. I've developed a habit of craving food at night time. I've turned into a closet eater. I will go buy snacks and then hide them in my room until everyone goes to bed, then I bring them out and eat them. I don't eat in excess in front of my family. I feel too embarrassed. I was in a bad emotionally abuse relationship from summer 2007 until pretty recently and that, according to my mom, is when I really started putting on weight. He made me feel like he could have any girl he wants, that he didn't need me. He had a way of yelling and making me feel so ugly and worthless. But I never left. He was an alcoholic and I felt the want and need to be there to try and help him. I know it wasn't my position and you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. I wanted to be the first girl in his life to actually make a difference.
As the months passed, the fights progressed. He eventually started breaking things in the house (we lived together), he called me every bad name in the book, and then he started calling me fat. That was the killer for me. ANYTHING but that. I started feeling so ashamed of myself, embarassed to ever eat infront of him. I feel like I started putting on the pounds when I was with him because he beat my self esteem down so bad that I had a whole in my heart and my head. I think I turned to food because I'm not interested in drinking (my mom is also has an alcohol problem, so it turns me off), I want nothing to do with drugs, and what else is there? I didn't know what to do for comfort or for an escape. I suppose food did that for me.
Now days, I struggle to go to the gym. I'm a member at the women only gym, Curves. Its an absolutely great program and you really have no excuse to not go. This is my 3rd time signing up, I've quit every other time. I usually have a good 2 weeks of eating smaller portions and better foods, drinking 4 bottles of water a day, then something always happens or a switch goes off in my brain and I stop all of it. And that is what I do NOT understand what so ever. I know that I need to lose weight, I know what I need to do, WHY can't I do it?
I wanted to tell my whole story on here just so everyone could get a better perspective about my life and issues. I've never told anyone my weight or my life, so I thought maybe this could turn into a positive thing. I would love to get advice on how to help myself, motivate myself, anything at all.
Thank you very much for reading :-)
First off, you can't learn motivation. It is within you and it's either strong or its not. Sorry about your luck. You either want to lose the weight and look good bad enough to do it or you don't.
Second, your story isn't special. Most of the people who struggle with weight are living a very similar life to yours.
Best advice? Learn about healthy eating from the multitude of websites out there and stay away from the fad diets and programs. Get into the gym regularly and burn some calories. And try to find another outlet for your emotional issues, food isn't the answer. I know, I'm just like you.
Reply1st- Duane-that was mean. it is very common, but it ISN'T as common for someone to ask for help... so be nice and helpful or be quit. thanks.
2nd- I HATE excersise and I cheat myself out of my best results by cheating out on my workouts more than actually doing it, but life is short and I REFUSE to spend time doing something I hate more than a couple times a week. but... as Jillian Micheals said "Any activity is better than NO activity." So, I started doing little things that didn't feel like excersis but still kept me moving, obviously the stairs instead of the elevator, get up and turn the channel or the volume on the TV instead of using the remote, etc... buttt.... I also park in the farthest parking space in the lot no matter where I am, I try not to sit home and get bored because I have binge eating disorder and I will binge out of bordeom so I'll go to the mall and walk, just to be out of the house, or the bookstore to look through titles and books so I'm not bored to death. I'll grab a good book and read it at the Starbucks by my apartment and I'll have a skinny vanilla latte, even though I try not to drink calories because that 90 cals. is waaay better than a 900 cal. binge that would be my fall-back at home, I go to the school to do my hopmework... basically I'm not home as much as possible, it reallllyyyy helps. (: also, this one is kinda hard, but I eat in the dining room, watch tv in the living room and sleep in the bedroom. PERIOD. that REALLY helped. and no eating after 8, no caffeine after 4, and nothing over 100 cals., that has sugar, or thats carby (besides fruit) after 7. (: good luck.
ReplyFirst off, you can't learn motivation. It is within you and it's either strong or its not. Sorry about your luck. You either want to lose the weight and look good bad enough to do it or you don't.
Do you have one shred of evidence for this? Motivation, whether to lose weight, do well in school, or accomplish anything else in life, is very definitely something that can be changed and "learned." At the simplest level, positive reinforcement increases motivation. There are a variety of counseling techniques that have been clinically shown to increase motivation to change problem behaviors. The list goes on and on.
The next time you'd like to say something so incredibly insulting and DEmotivating, make sure you're at least saying something true.
Replyyou're such a fool Duane, that is not though love, that just STUPID na dignorant.If she didnt need help or assistance, she would not have taken the time to bare her soul to all of us. You must be depressed.
ReplyYou need a dictionary and some remedial english classes.
ReplyAnd somehow I doubt you're truly "thick and loving it".
ReplyO, Jess B! You're taking the first steps! You know what's eating at you.
ReplyYou want good, healthy things for yourself. I want you to have them!
Some might disagree with me recommending this book but it helped me understand a lot of the psychology behind the weight loss journey. Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution. He talks about issues like yours and why even though you know how and even start the process of 'weight loss' you just can't seem to continue.
ReplyI found my copy in a local Value Village (thrift store) for like 3 dollars so don't go out and buy a brand new book.
You do realize you lose all credibility the second you mention Dr. Phil? The guy can't even follow his own advice. And he's been discredited a long time ago. Just another TV shill selling easy answers.
ReplyWhile your comments may have been the truth, it wasn't necessary to include "sorry about your luck" or implying that her story "wasn't special". I guarantee it's special to her. Luck has nothing to do with it either. And no, I don't believe motivation can be learned, but change can be forced. Getting up every day, reminding oneself of short term goals, eating habits to follow and small changes to make in the day to come are all ways of enacting change. That in and of itself motivates.
ReplyWow. I don't watch the Dr. Phil show too often, or really care to defend a man who is more than capable of defending himself, but I just can't resist.
ReplyHere you are, offering advice yourself. You're offering up your knowledge of motivation, luck, finding other outlets for emotional eating... To my knowledge Phil McGraw has a doctorate, has experience, has a huge line of followers who have been helped by him; and yet mentioning his name loses all credibility? Seems to me you're the one not too credible in this situation...
And I say 'good for you', Karen, especially since it brought you success. We are all so different and have to find what works for us. Sharing that with others gives them another option to think about / try for themselves. I tend to agree with xine, Jess; but identifying the underlying problem is only the beginning of the end. Ultimately to lose weight, we must all ask ourselves how much we want it. It WILL cost us comfort in probably more ways than one. Do I think the reward will be worth the sacrifice?
ReplyBest of luck from one who is also trying.....
This is something that has helped me: I tell myself that any problems I have with my weight, diet or exercise are SO fixable, and SO small in the grand scheme of life. I don't have to make some heroic effort today to prove myself, or to make up for guilt I feel. Just a little progress each day, a tiny effort to take care of myself, and eventually I'm going to get there. Apocalyptic thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, will make getting through the day almost impossible. I'll binge and then console myself that it's okay because I can just go really hardcore tomorrow! Which of course never pans out.
ReplySet up some minimum, easy rules for you to start with this time. Like maybe go to the gym once a week, or going for short walk each day. It doesn't have to be complicated or overwhelming. If you feel like you're going to abandon your diet, then take a few days (or weeks, whatever it takes) where you eat what you crave, in the amount of calories you'd burn. (I call them 'break even days.') Don't tell yourself that you can't eat x, y or z UNLESS you go off your diet. Make it a part of your diet and lifestyle.
I know the inclination when you start again, and motivation is high, is to be perfect on that diet and go to the gym a lot. But just think of how successful your weight loss would have been today if all those 2 weeks of being good were connected by a few days or weeks of breaking even!
you really need some help with the emotional eating problem.... which goes way back to your mom's poor habits. You can lose and lose and lose, but until you figure out your emotional issues, you will be a yo-yo dieter. I know. I speak from experience as the daughter of someone with eating issues.. and I have them.. and now my daughter does, too.
ReplyI have lost and gained the same 45 lbs about 8 times in my adult life.
Losing is not hard. It is figuring out what drives you to eat, and really, how to love yourself.
I am in a losing phase right now so I feel strong and am going to the gym and not drinking.. and I feel great. There as not been a day in the past 25 years when I have not thought critically about my body. Even when I was 120 lbs ( I am 5'8") If I could weigh 135 lbs for the rest of my life, ad not worry about it, it would be a blessing.
Hang in there.
It happens slowly.
But it can happen.
Well I'll throw in my two cents but one also needs to find their own path sort to speak. You wrote a column about weight but what much of what you talked about was an abusive relationship. Your health and life is, as you know, your responsibility and no one can do this for you. Part of being healthy involves nurturing only good and positive relationships and eliminating or altering harmful ones. And it sounds like from your post you feel dealing with these issues has taken a physical toll on your health and your joy for life. No one gives you self-worth it is yours as a right endowed by the Creator sort to speak, and as I also guess from your post you see you have a responsibility to your health precisely because of the worth you inherently have. It's possible that if you focus a bit on yourself (which again you deserve and have a responsibility to do) the rest may come easy and you can see that its not only okay but it is asked of us to be full of joy in life, health and vitality. As for the rest, you have a background in sports so exercise isn't a problem, as for eating well, well just don't replace chemicals, aspartame, monosodium glutmate, yellow die #4, etc, etc, with food and the more fresh, unprocessed food the better.
ReplyThanks for posting.
wow... Duane's pretty grouchy. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO COMMENT. Someone's asking for help and SOME people are trying to give it to her... if you don't agree or sympathize or have something nice to say... DON'T. No one wants to hear your nasty attitude and I think YOU lost all credibility the SECOND you put your hateful hands to the keys. If you can't be helpful in a supportive and friendly manner, go back to bed and don't get up on the wrong side this time... go be unhappy w/ yourself somewhere else.
ReplyJESSB- I left you another comment up towards the top under Duane's 1st rude remark. (: hope it helps, feel free to message me any time!
Truth too hard for your tender feelings? I gave the only advice that matters, learn to eat healthy, cut calories, get some exercise, and find a way to deal with emotional issues rather than eating. Coddling people isn't helpful. If motivation was that easy, nobody would have trouble losing weight, in fact, people wouldn't get fat. Being straight forward and blunt isn't mean, facing facts is a good thing. And the poster DID ask for comments, so i offered mine. Don't like them? Tough. Your opinions are no more valid than anyone elses. Live with it.
Replyalso, I bought a book called "Crave" its AWESOME its about binge eating and talks about people w/ family histories of ED's and all that good stuff... It REALLY helped me, and has A LOT of good advice w/ getting over binge eating disorder, which, by the way is sounding pretty close to your symptoms. I'm not judging I have it, and its tough. and EXHAUSTING to say the least. I'm not a doctor or diagnosing you, just something you may want to look into. :)
ReplyDuane is absolutely spot on with his advice and that coddling people indeed does not help. People are so offended at everything and get their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. Get real, get a grip and do something good for yourself. There is no magic to losing weight and we all know it. Thanks.
ReplyMy suggestions:
Don't shoot for losing 50+ pounds. Start with 20 pounds. It feels (and is) much more achievable. Once you lose 20, then you can think about the next step.
Don't quit the first time you "blow it." And don't wait until Tomorrow to start. Start now.
Get rid of all processed foods and start making real foods yourself, using as many vegetables as you can. Make large batches of food on the weekends if you are concerned about time, but it's critical. You won't be successful with "Healthy Choice" or any other processed diet food.
Stop feeling like you have to give up certain foods that you like forever. You don't. You should give up high-cal foods for a while, but eventually treat "treats" like special things -- you can have them, but once every 2-3 weeks, and a small portion. Small as in 2-3 bites. It's all you need, especially since you know that you can have the treat again in another fortnight.
Do something active at least five days a week -- even 30 minutes of walking around the block helps. Exercise is very important. Once you get some exercise time under you, look into HIIT. It's a fantastic way to really up your fitness level. It's hard on one level, but easier than you think.
Get into the place mentally. Be ready for it and don't allow yourself to lose hope over setbacks. We all know that 99% of this battle is mental.
Ignore the tone of people like Duane. At least, I would. I don't find his self-righteousness helpful in the least. Then again, if it motivates you, use it.
Good luck. Lots and lots of people have done it. You can too.
ReplyAnyone asking for motivation on the internet pegs my troll-O-meter.
ReplyFirst, congrats on getting out of the abusive relationship! That can be a hard thing to do, and I'm sure it's left you with some scars that will take time to heal.
It's normal to "fall of the wagon" like you describe. The very MOST important thing is to remember that just because you screw up one day, doesn't mean you have to screw up the next day! Eating badly and not exercising one day can make you feel like a failure, but don't let it. Get up the next day, tell yourself it's a new day, and go right back to your healthy habits. Even if you slip for a week, every day is a new chance to spend that day healthy.
And ignore the people who say to "suck it up." That's not productive advice. If it were that simple, everyone would look like a model. People who have overcome adversity are sometimes the worst about judging others in their same situation - "I could do it, why can't you?" Whether it's losing weight, overcoming a mental illness, escaping abuse, anything. They forget that every person is different, and what worked for them will result it total failure for someone else.
ReplyLook, I'm a little tired of the whiners here who can't handle someone being straight forward. I did come off as blunt and cold but what i said was the truth. Motivation is personal, it comes from within. Most overweight people want to lose weight, but can't follow through. Sometimes this is because they simply can't find a strong enough motivation, something that keeps that fire lit when they are feeling weak. But you can't teach someone motivation, you can explain it to them and encourage them, but it still comes from within them. Sure, positive reinforcement is helpful, but not for everyone and not always for the long term. Why do you think so many end up failing? Why do you think those of us who have accomplished weight loss and loved the way we looked still regained the weight?
The poster asked for help with motivation and nobody here has been helpful in that way. Most are just offering encouragement and advice on how to lose weight. The poster needs to define why they want to lose weight and find the right motivation for them. Nobody here can do that for them, that is what I was getting at. If you want to coddle people and offer hugs and lots of sympathy and sing Kumbaya, then fine go ahead. But you're not helping them. People need to be told the truth. They need the straight facts. It is testament to how screwed up this society is nowadays that you can't even be straight with people without offending. You don't get a gold star for trying in real life, results are the bottom line. That's how the real world works.
ReplyStarting at the top of this post, the first response I read was Duane's. Then the next one said the response was mean. I didn't think it was mean, so the comments chastizing Duane took me by surprise. I have another, separate post on this forum, and I'll admit, at least one of the responses initially offended me. But, then it hit me that the responder was right, and he or she said pretty much what Duane did. Want and desire have to be the strongest component of any weight loss program. A lot of people may need and even want to lose weight, but something in their psyche stops them from wanting it enough. Additionally, so many who succeed ultimately backslide and find themselves right back where they started.
Whether the message is delivered bluntly or sugar coated, it must be the same message, like it ot not.
Jessb253, you and I have a lot of things in common, so I can thoroughly emphathize. You and I both will need to figure out what it is that's holding us back. Because Duane is absolutely right.
Jessb253 - maybe we can do this together.
ReplyI think part of maintaining motivation (once you've gotten it) is knowing that others have been in the same boat as you and can tell you it's hard, but you can do it. During my journey, it was incredibly helpful to me to know that my ups and downs were nothing unique - everyone has them during this process. It helped me be stronger for myself and not give up, because I knew it could be done by other people's examples. But I will say keeping that motivation going after the loss is harder than having the motivation during the loss.
ReplyWhile I do not agree with Duane's language, I will agree being totally honest with someone is better then pacifying them with nice words. I also understand though as a women we hear/think differently then men, so I will try to be helpful Jess.
You should be proud of yourself for 1) getting out of a destructive relationship, 2) recognizing your parents weakness as it relates to food, and 3) your own weakness. So kudos to you.
Now its up to you to decide how things will be different. You will have setbacks and days where your junk food is more than it should be. But its about taking 1 day at a time. If you fail one day, do not beat yourself up about it, but rather do things differently the next day. Exercise and eating right is a daily chore that you must think about. Its like having an food addiction. Its not something that will just go away with hard work and dedication. Its a daily choice you make, a choice you make every time you decide to put food into your mouth.
So my suggestions...stop thinking about losing weight. Just consider the gym, exercise, smaller portions as just the way life is supposed to be. Personally even with all the exercise in the world it means nothing if you eat crazy at home.
Another suggestion is writing down all the food/drinks you intake every day. It does not have to be elaborate. Once you start to see when/where the problems happen, you can do better. Have healthy snacks and treats in your house. Every time that little voice starts back to reminding you of how far you have to go and how much you have to lose...just remind yourself that you are doing good and each day can be different and better than the last.
Good luck!
ReplyJess,
ReplyI recommend a book called "Shrink Yourself" - to help you identify WHY you really overeat, and how to stop your own emotional eating (I'm not sure anyone here can help you with such personal problems - especially since you may not know the actual cause of your weight problem yet). Good luck - stay strong, and be honest with yourself.
DUANE: you are right...that inner drive to change cannot be taught, it is caught...you have to want it bad enough or no amount of books, tapes, etc. etc. can
Replydo it for you.. it's like medicine, knowing that a pill can make you well will not make you well, you have to take it yourself. Those books will only help you if you help yourself....
You're on the right path, Jess. Hang in there. Maybe find an activity or hobby you love that gets your mind on something else. Two things that have really helped me and might help you are Beck's Diet Solution by Judith Beck--an amazing book that helps you deal with/get to the bottom of the emotional side of losing weight/cognitive therapy--and Cue Sticks temporary tattoos and their stickers too--seems silly but they're so cheap and they've really worked for me (www dot mycuesticks dot com). They remind me to stay on track. Good luck!
ReplyHi Jess
ReplyI know what you are saying cause I was in the same position. I start exercising and something always stop me from going one time and then it is all down hill. So the thing I find that works for me is that I keep record of everything thing I eat and all the exercise I do in a month. At the end of the month I review and start again. I have lost 10 lbs this way in the last 3 months. So if you want a workout buddy just drop me a line and we'll talk. Good Luck!
Duane is just being direct. Nothing wrong with that. And you can't blame your past forever. You can just go forward from it, learning the lessons that you can from it. But don't dwell on bad memories.
Motivation comes from within. And, IMHO, "to look good" is purely an OUTSIDE motivation that is not helpful in the long term. Look good in whose opinion, anyway? A lot of celebrities "look good", but have underlying health issues. Some better (again, IMHO) motivations are: to be healthy, to be the right size FOR YOU, given your height and bone structure. I am so tired of seeing articles titled "Get (body part, figure) like (fill in the name of your favorite celebrity here)!!!!" You can't, unless you're similar enough to be twins.
One book I have found very useful is "Thin Within" by Judy Wardell (1985). It has also been republished with a Christian slant under her married name, Judy Halliday. The original book is quite good, and is probably at your library.
As far as exercising, I like walking and backpacking. Also, (when the weather's bad) if you have an aerobic step, or just a single step, just step up and down a few minutes on each side while watching TV. Also get up and down very slowly out of a chair several times in a row. Set up your computer on a high counter so that you have to stand (and can march in place) while using it. For those of us who remember, there is also the "Chicken Fat" record by Robert Preston (of Music Man fame). A recording can be found online, and it's only 6 1/2 minutes long.
You can even take up some hobbies that help distract your from food--knitting, volunteering to walk dogs at a shelter, etc.
Hope this helps.
Reply10 Rules:
1) Most Important - Love yourself always and unconditionally!
2) Eat what your body enjoys and makes you happy:)
You may have a food allergy that has not been discovered. Avoid the evils that lie to your body (sugar, caffeine, starch (potatoes, corn), etc.
3) Get your body moving!
If the gym works great but don't forget about hiking, biking, walking. Maybe yoga.
4) Drink Plenty of Water
This is always difficult at first. Sometimes the body wants to hold on to water until it realizes that more is always coming. Then it will let go.
5) Be Happy, Smile, Laugh.
Stress and depression are really hard on your body and do not belong in your life. Reduce as much time as possible with all stress generators. Totally not impossible at times but your best attempts are perfect. Even recognizing stress is a big step.
6) Give yourself Inspiring Mental Goals for Change! Each morning. Short goals at first are motivating.
7) Reward yourself often!
This is so important. I would recommend picking up a book, jewelry, anything to give little reminders you are awesome.
8) Brag about yourself.
Find a positive friend and brag about your updates. When ready brag about progress to others as well.
9) Body Awareness.
Listen and Negotiate the routine with your body. If body tired = sleep. If body sore=stretch. If body hungry=give it healthy fuel.
10) Create/Maintain a Routine!
This is your personal health reconditioning project. Create it as you like. Just remember its your body, you beat out all the other spermies, and you own it.
Best of Luck, Cheer, and Enthusiasm.
ReplyHey! A healthy approach to losing weight is by changing your diet, and understanding how food reacts in your body. By understanding this, you can start to eliminate your cravings for the most unhealthy foods. I would recommend reading the book "Beating the Food Seduction" by Neal Barnard- it is a fabulous book which doesn't talk about 'motivation' and 'fighting cravings' which as we all know is almost impossible to do! Yes, you can fend off a craving for a few hours or days maybe- but eventually you will give in. I wish you all the best and would love to help more if you need me to ~~Amanda :-)
ReplySeems like you should just take it one day at a time and don't worry about everything all at once. Losing weight is a journey so get ready for a ride. It starts out bumpy but you soon learn to like it, then the road gets smoother and you begin to discover things about yourself as your mind and body begin to transform. You already made the first step by admitting you lack ambition the next step is to turn the negative self talk into positive self talk. There is something truly amazing in you waiting to be discovered, tell yourself you can and you will. Take small steps this way you don't get discourage so quickly, exercising two weeks then stopping...mmmm maybe your trying to do too much to quickly. Find a 30 minute workout program and try doing it consistently for 30 days and see if it becomes a habit....hope this helps..goodluck!
ReplyI think you need to get help with the abused thing first. sounds like you need closure or you need to talk to a professional about it.
We've all had our self-esteem knocked down before, some of us pick ourselves up and go on, some of us dwell on the abuse and get stuck there.
I'm thinking that you eat right and workout for a few days and then think to yourself "who cares" or "nothing I do is good" or something along those lines.
then I think you should take baby steps don't just dive head first in and make unrealistic goals like "I'm gonna lose 50lbs in 6mo." or "I'm gonna work every single day"
They say just taking off 10% of your weight is a great start for you and your health.
Reply