Hey, for those of you that don't know "tabula rasa" means clean slate.. and once I reach my target of 8 stone 3 Ibs, I will get this tattooed on my body for all the hotties to see :D
I'm 19 years old, and about to start uni in 3 days. Just over 2 weeks ago I almost reached my target, and got down to 9 stone, but piled it all back on a drunken holiday filled with dominos, kfc, mc d's, you name it, i ate it! :( So now the pressure is on to drop down to my normal size. For years I was 8 stone 7 lbs, and never budged. But, I slowly have developed a few eating disorders, which means I have focused on my weight pretty much everyday since last June, and this has lead to my gaining, instead of losing weight.
I want to be at a place where I'm in control and disciplined with what I eat. But, also happy and not scared to enjoy the odd treat without the guilt leading to a binge. My family and friends all know that my weight has meant I have spent a year completely miserable. At times spending months away from my friends due to disciplined low cal diets, and rigorous 5 hour long workouts. Leaving all my spare time sleeping with exhaustion and depression. I honestly am the most outgoing, fun loving, and not in a big headed way, but attractive girl... when I'm at my ideal weight.
But, because I'm quite small framed and only 5'5", even half a stone is a drastic change to my figure and my face feels it a lot. My confidence is completely destroyed, meaning I'm the total opposite to everything I just mentioned!
I have no idea how much I weigh now. I'm going to take a guess at 10 stone 5 lbs. But, it's not about weight for me, I have a clothes addiction. I work at Topshop, which means I lovvvvvve the clothes designed for skinny people, and almost everything I own is size 8. So, I will base my diet on how I fit into my clothes. I have a pair of pink skinnies and size 6 strap top. These will be my scales till the end of the diet. When the top fits and doesn't ride up, and the jean button does up comfortably, that's when I'll hit the scales. But, until then I know that if the scales make me smile I'll be cocky and loosen the diet, and if the scales make me frown I'Il lose heart and binge like a crazy mofo!
It's funny because as I'm typing this I'm munching on waffles and chocolate spread. I said last night that today was the day, lasted until about 12 and I gave in. Can't remember what the lame excuse in my head was, but I must have believed it whatever it is. It's 10 past 1 in the morning, and I'm sitting up because I'm literally scared of laying down and going to sleep cos I'II be able to feel the fat pumping into my thighs, and that's when the panic sets in. I have had enough of feeling like this, I just want to be happy.
The reason I need to do this is because I won't ever be me again until I do. It may be vein or whatever, but that's me! I can't change that. It's not that I'm trying to be super skinny or unhealthy, I'm naturally a thin person, I'm actually overweight for my frame. Thats not good at 19.
I need to control the disorders that are making me anti-social and actually slip away from my bests. I mean all the girls have gone out for the last Thursday before we all go off to uni, and I'm stuck at home because I'm embarrassed that I'm slightly chubbier than all my friends, and I don't want the boys that all used to think wow be like urgh what happened to her!? I know I can't save myself for freshers, I'll just have to grin and bare it, and just look amazing after it :D Nothing I can do now!
So, anyway the plan...
I'm going to do a 10 day water detox/fast to totally flush the alcohol out my system. I'm not sure how this is going to work during freshers. Possibly I may have to drink. But, I'll continue the detox during the day. It's not ideal but ohwel!
Following this I will do a 5 day juice detox, with a different fruit juice during the day. I will then do a week long raw vegetable diet where I cut all fruit, and only eat raw vegetables. I will then go onto Cheryl Coles diet, which is what I will maintain my weight with, this is mainly protein, and much more than 5 a day, and allows for Saturdays off for me to have a treat.
I am confident I can do it this time, and of course I will be hitting the gym pretty much everyday, including power-plates.
Anyway, as of now I have STOPPED BINGEING FOREVER!!! No more food for 10 days :) Mannn I'm gonna miss Nandos. Okay, I'm going to give myself one life line.. I'm allowed one Nandos during the time leading up to the chezs dier, where I'm allowed to not feel guilty.
Any tips or advice?
You can't control an eating disorder: it controls you and if you have one, then you should realize that. I highly doubt this is a joke, but it's still very sad.
ReplyFirst off, stop the 5 hour workouts. You achieve nothing by this. 30-45mins per day is sufficient and give yourself a rest day here and there.
ReplyI concluded a few things after reading this:
1. This person is very immature. And likely, very young. No mature educated adult would write something like this.
2. This person is most likely not an avid reader of this site. If he/she were they would know that irrational childish posts like this with ridiculous unhealthy ideas are just way below the quality of the content that is normally on here.
3. This person is going to screw up his/her metabolism completely.
Thats all.
ReplyCall me insensitive if you wish
the poster said they were 19, so i think immaturity is a given. and if this site is for helping people with weight and diet issues, then isn't this the sort of person that we would want to reach out to? i haven't posted on here for about 6 mos, but i seem to remember that being supportive and educating people is the most helpful response.
That said - yes eating disorders are mental health issues not diet issues and should be treated.
and i find it sad to hear about someone who is always deferring pleasure in life because they hope to be different tomorrow, or they were different - appearance wise, in the past. my suggestion is - don't obsess about what happened in the past or promise yourself that you will show up as a better you sometime in the future. Show up for yourself, today.
ReplyJoin a sports team at the uni. Focus on that, and the rest will quite possibly fall into place.
ReplySweetie. Understand, it is your thinking that is ruining things for you. Your friends know you are the same person. It sounds like you and I are the same height and about the same frame (not necessarily the same shape of course), I'm 5'4.5 tall and small framed. I also tend to binge and I put on weight easily. I am also 10 years older than you. When I was your age I also tended for the all or nothing approach. What I've learned is that when you're too strict on yourself you create the binge. Remember that your friends are your friends because of who you are, not what size you are. I find when I plan a sensible diet, one where I'm loosing weight but not too fast, where I'm making a point of extra activity but not too much I'm less likely to binge, I stick to it and I loose the weight. Its when I freak out and beat myself up that I do it. I keep lots of healthy foods around the house so if I do binge its on healthy foods. Please please speak to your friends, I bet some of them feel the same things. I bet some of them will be shocked that you feel overweight, by avoiding them you are hurting them and you. See if you can make an appointment with a nutritionist and see if maybe your school has a gym or conditioning program, enroll in a sport or dance class.. Taking conditioning at uni and ramping up my dance studies where huge in ensuring that I had body confidence.
ReplyDiet and exercise advice won't help you. Your self-described eating disorder can only be turned around with the help of a mental health professional trained to deal with eating disorders. There is hope for you, and you should know that you can change. Indeed, you must change your attitude and behavior, and that can happen with the right help. Find a doctor, and be totally honest about your binges (including the alcohol). The solution has nothing to do with controlling the world around you - the scale, the clothes, the diameter of your thighs, or the number of boys who want you. The solution lies in learning to calm yourself from the inside. Very best of luck to you.
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