I've been married for 4 years to a wonderful, loving man. While I have maintained my weight at a very reasonable 110 lbs since we've been married, my husband has gained 25-30 lbs since then, and has basically "let himself go." He keeps telling me that I am too skinny and should gain weight. I'm not sure if he's telling me that because he feels inferior to me physically, or if he really thinks I'm underweight.
The problem is, we both come from families where pretty much all the women are obese, so the definition of "normal sized" is very skewed. Both my mom and my MIL think that a "good, healthy weight" is something like 140 lbs.
Here's the thing, I used to weigh close to 200 lbs, and while I was losing people in my family kept telling me not to lose too much weight, etc. Now that I am thin and at the point where I actually like my body, I am being told by my husband he thinks I'd be "hotter' if I was fatter.
I don't really get it! Should I be worried about what he's saying? Should I give in and gain some weight so HE'LL be happy? It's so frustrating... any ideas or thoughts?
First of all, Congrats to you in losing that much weight. It is NOT easy at all to do. After just having baby number three and so badly wanting to rid of the weight and get back in shape i know it is really hard to accomplish and takes hard work and dedication. That's awesome!
ReplyI believe that your husband is just insecure and has little consideration to your feelings. Do NOT buy into that. We are only getting older honey, while your still young and you still have the strength and desire to be in the best shape of your life - DO It!
You lost so much weight for a reason; you probably felt like you were "letting yourself go".
Good Luck!
I agree with the commenter: don't go back and gain weight for your husband. Doesn't he know the struggle you had? I'm not going to give you any more advice than to say that these are times when the push-pull of a relationship does indeed test your real, non-relationship self. Don't let yourself be defined only by your role with him; you're more than his wife, and you've struggled to be that person - "thank you very much"!
Keep the faith!
ReplyOn one hand 140 depending on the person's height and build isn't bad weight. There are alot of women that are 140 and perfectly healthy. What's more important is your body fat percentage. So, while it's honorable that you want to maintain your loss don't do it at the expense of your health. If that means weighing 140 don't be afraid of it, focus on an active lifestyle and a healthy diet. On the other hand you shouldn't let others pressure you into maintaining a weight that you are not comfortable. I guess the most important thing is to do what makes you feel good. Don't worry so much about the scale. Use it as a guide but don't let it rule your life.
ReplyYou do whats right for you. If you are happy at your weight than stay at that weight. If you gain weight just to please him you will come to resent yourself and then him for "making" you gain weight. That only can lead to trouble. Bottom line is you want to be happy right? He wants you to be happy right?
ReplyI don't know how tall you are or what your bone structure is, so it's hard to say if you're underweight. But that's between you and your doctor. You could speak with her or him if you're concerned.
Presuming that you're healthy, don't have an eating disorder, etc., if this were my husband, I would say "I don't want to hear that comment one more time, period. If it happens again, we're seeing a counselor."
ReplyI say dump the slob already. You still probably see yourself from an obesity-angle instead of the NEW YOU. Time to trade up girl!
ReplyI kind of have to agree with ArrowSmith on this one, as blunt as the message is. Your husband married you, presumably as you are. Why the complaints now? Unless there is an underlying health reason, which if you've maintained the same weight for at least 4 years (which is awesome, btw!), I'd say the issue is with him. If you change for him, what will he ask for next? Shorter/longer hair? You start wearing heels if you don't already? Turn over your paychecks to him (I've had friends who did this and ended up divorced)? This is your body, you choose what's best for it. Not someone else, not even your husband.
ReplyYeah, marriage vows are for losers anyway right? You didn't actually mean it when you were agreeing to them, did you?
You might as well start sleeping around too. Whatever makes you happy for the next hour.
I hope ArrowSmith and "For Posts Only" aren't married. If they are, I feel bad for their spouses, but realistically their marriages probably won't last too long.
ReplyWhat? So being married means I am my husbands slave and have to everything he tells me or it's whipping time? That's an argument to dump the institution of matrimony if I ever heard one.
ReplyIf marriage vows mean anything, they mean you don't just give up on the marriage in the event of a disagreement -- especially one over "preference".
No one is whipping anyone. Your hostility is strange. Maybe you shouldn't be married to anyone either if you're so hostile to the idea of keeping the marriage vows.
ReplyI agree....Geesh! All she was saying is that it is a horrible thing to say you can trade in your spouse like an old car! Marriage and any relationship is one based on care and consideration. I'm not saying she should gain the weight for her husband if she's really against it. On the same token he shouldn't make her feel like he's gonna run out and boink a heavier lady if she doesn't. Personally, I like my curves so does my fiance. But at 5'8 160 lbs isn't bad...I've been 210 before. I mean I'm size a 10 with a large frame now. I know it's cheesy but oh so true, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I think we are all way too obsessed with dumb shit in our lives...I mean really?? I think she should ask her husband what's important? I mean when their life is over are you gonna care that you were perfectly in shape and hot enough or are you gonna care what kind of person you were and how you treated others? Personally my fiance and I have both put on about 15 lbs each recently for unknown reasons and I find myself worrying oh is he gonna check on that hot chick with the tiny shorts on? But he doesn't because he actually loves me not just b/c I'm pretty hot in my sexy dress sitting accross from him (haha) but b/c even if I wasn't hot as I was when he met me he would still love me the same. I wouldn't care if he put on 50 lbs! I would be worried about his health then but just for looks? NEVER! He's my love and his abdomen isn't what I fell in love with.
ReplyAlthough wonderful and loving, I think your hubbie might be a bit insecure. If you were to get a big promotion at work, would he tell you that you'd be "hotter" if you turned it down?
I'm sorry but given your history of once being close to 200 pounds, I can't believe your husband would tell you to gain weight! He should be congratulating you...telling you what a wonderful job you're doing, how hot you look, but that he would love you the same if you weighed 100 pounds or 200 pounds.
Perhaps all those guys turning their heads to look at your slim bod is starting to bother him. lol. If that's the case... then this is something he's going to have to deal with himself and he shouldn't be doing it by trying to bring you down.
ReplyYou didn't say how tall you were, so it's hard to get a reading on this question.
ReplyAnd you ask about maybe he's feeling inferior to you, but you come across as thinking you may be a little superior to him because you've lost the weight and he's gained it.
Just as there are men who are not attracted to women who are too heavy, there are a lot of men aren't attracted to women who are too thin. It's not sexy to see a bunch of bones protruding. Men like a little something to hold on to. Maybe he's being honest when he says he thinks you are too thin.
Renee, I think you are being unfair. The original entry specifically states that she MAINTAINED her weight of 110 for the duration of her marriage. And now after 4 years, the husband gained 25-30 pounds and suddenly he wants her to gain weight? It kind of sounds like you've got similar inferiority issues.
ReplyRubenesque perhaps? Sorry we don't live in the 19th century anymore.
ReplyIf you are happy with your body the way it is--and you seem to be, since you've maintained your weight throughout your marriage!--then you should keep your weight the way it is. If you gain weight just to please your husband, you'll probably end up hating how your body looks, and you may even feel negatively towards him for asking you to gain in the first place.
I don't know how tall you are, but if you need something to prove to your husband that you ARE healthy, check with your doctor and have them approve your weight. If your doctor isn't telling you to gain weight, then your husband shouldn't, either.
Congratulations on maintaining such a huge weight loss! You deserve to feel proud, and the people who love you should be proud of you, too.
ReplyTo me the priorities are mental/emotional and physical health. In those whom I love, their health is far more important to me than how 'hot' they are.
Let's face it - gravity ALWAYS wins in the end.
In the end, your body is your own and only you can choose how you are going to treat it.
It's difficult to know the full backstory in a short blog post - so difficult to make any kind of judgment call on anyone. If your weight maintenance has become an obsession, then maybe your husband is concerned about how that might be affecting you.
Maybe you could ask him if there is anything he is afraid of, or is worried about, when it comes to your health and well-being. If he's loved you consistently for these years, then it would be out-of-character for him to suddenly demand you to be "hotter" - there's probably more going on under the surface there.
If we based our relationships entirely on looks - then it would be impossible for anyone to truly love someone else as it would be like walking on eggshells every day. And what about getting old? We will ALL get old and wrinkly. That's a fact.
Sounds like you guys need to have some honest conversations.
ReplyIf you were pregnant, you'd be bigger. Maybe he's trying to tell you something there. He might not even be consciously aware of what he's missing when he sees you as too thin.
ReplyI hear you! I come from a family where there are no skinny women. Me being large was accepted and now I have gone from being larger than other women in my family to being the smallest *and* saying that I want to lose another 15lb. They are now telling me they are worried about me.
I know that it`s not jealousy but I really think that they are all so used to us all being podgy that they cannot quite get their heads round one of us being actually slim. However, I refuse to measure my own weight on my family members who could all do with losing a few pounds.
The same should go for husbands! If we could inspire, this would be even greater, but if we can`t it`s their loss!
All the best!
Bianca
Replyits your body and your life and if your happy at being the size that you are then so be it!its different if you are a unhealthy thin and not eating the proper foods and getting the right nutrition that you need then i can see why your family might say something but it doesnt sound like its the case here. It is amazing that you lost so much weight and your gonna gain weight back just because your family doesnt think you should lose so much weight and your husband thinks you would be hotter if you were bigger??? h*ll no!!!! exscuse my language, all i can say is dont ever change who you are for somebody else.
ReplyArrowsmith,you are Probably an american that is why you are advising her to 'dump the slob' you guys divorce so easily and for the stupidest reasons,reasons that that can be worked out.
ReplyChristie, did you read the response from Ben? Sure, the divorce rate in the US is the highest in the world, no doubt. But I try not to characterize people based on their nationality or any other demographic. I try to base my evaluations of people on an individual basis.
With that said, regardless of which country you are from or what your demographic profile is, you're a complete idiot to condemn an entire nation based on the ranting of one person who may or may not even represent that nation.
ReplyMr tony k or whatever u call ur self.u are d one that is an IDIOT if u can't see reason with what i am saying.arrow is asking this woman to dump her husband because of a suggestion he made without a single respect for matrimony.and i'm not 'judging' anyone or any nation in particular,i'm just saying that's it's a common 'trend' in the u.s to just pack up and leave when the going gets a little tough in a marriage,and that's very BAD,marriage is something SACRED.when u enter into it, u should not forget ur vows, especially that of TILL DEATH DO US PART,but you americans have changed it,it's now till DIVORCE do us part! You should come to my country,i'l teach you a thing or two about the institution of matrimony.
ReplyChristie, if you're the type of person I can expect to encounter in "your" country...then no thanks. It's amazing how you can call me an idiot while your response completely misses the point I was making.
ReplyOh,i see.and what exactly was your point,that it's ok for her to divorce her husband over something so little like arrow ever so stupidly stated?
ReplyAnd yet you continue to change the goalposts of our conversation. Imagine my surprise...
Read my original post again. I never once mentioned a thing about divorce. If you're still too dense to understand what I wrote, then perhaps I can sit you down on my lap sometime and explain it to you better. That might be more fun than this pleasant but boring and pointless exchange, don't you think? Good day.
ReplyREALLY need to know your height, hon....
ReplyOP here...sorry I didn't put my height into the post. I'm 5'3" and I'm have small-medium bone structure. So yeah, I'm not underweight or anything. Also, I'll let everyone know that I'm not going to divorce my DH just because of this issue. I seriously think he's concerned about my health because he thinks women should be bigger (?). All the women in his family are built like linebackers, so seeing me being thin makes him think I'm TOO thin.
ReplyAt 5'3", 110 pounds is quite low. 115 would be your ideal weight; a good rule of thumb is 100 pounds for the first five feet in height, and five pounds for every inch thereafter (this is for women, not men).
ReplyIf you put your weight into any BMI calculator, your a healthy 19.5. Packing on extra pounds may set you into old habits. If he is truly concerned maybe just get blood work done, show him that your a healthy weight and have a healthy amount of nutrients in your body. I don't think you should put on weight because you are actually very healthy and happy. Maybe just tell him that when he makes you feel too skinny it makes you feel unhappy. Throughout your marriage you said you maintained that same weight so if he didn't like that why did he marry into it. Perhaps he really is saying it out of a tinge of jealousy that he cannot control his weight.
ReplyFrom a guy's perspective? Too thin isn't good, but what I think your husband is hinting but isn't willing to say is that your boobs got too small when you lost the weight. You can't lose one without the other.
Replyyour husband has a weight gain fetish so maybe you should help him gain weight
ReplyHe doesnt like your flat ass. P.S. : Hes having an affair with a black chick
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