I've kept my weight off for 8 to 9 years. (I was 192.5 pounds, 5'4", I'm now 140-145 pounds).
I got a tummy tuck to eliminate any remembrance of my fat years. I also got a lift and breast augmentation to boost my confidence, but still I feel like I could always be smaller, be tighter, be prettier. I am my worst enemy I know. I look at myself and see this whale of a person, when everyone else thinks I'm so slim. I believe it roots back to when I had first initially lost my weight.
My dad would continue to say I was fat even after my weight loss. He said it was because he didn't want me to be fat anymore - some form of reverse psychology that worked out for the worse.
I got this idea stuck in my head that if you were skinny you were worth something. I went from 150 pounds down to 125 pounds, and began to look emaciated. I have a medium built frame, so 125 pounds was too skinny for me. My bones hung out, my face looked hollow, my parents now were telling me I was too skinny - I couldn't win.
I eventually went on birth control, around 17 years old, which helped fill me out. I got some boobs back, got a butt, and went from 125 pounds to around 135 pounds. I also began doing a lot of strength training at the gym, and cardio, which helped me gain a good 5 to 10 pounds in muscle mass, but I looked smaller not bigger.
To this day, I still feel fat. If I weigh myself and it says 146 pounds, instead of 145 pounds, I feel fat for the rest of the day. I feel guilty after I eat, even if it's from chicken and vegetables because I have that terrible full feeling.
I know people out there are going to say plastic surgery wasn't the way to go, because it only helped in some aspects, but I don't regret getting what I got. The skin on my belly was something that bothered me for years, I did every ab exercise you could think of, but it never went away.
I waited 7 years, then met with two plastic surgeons and both said I needed a T-Tuck. As for my boobs, when I lost weight I lost my boobs which caused them to a sag a little bit. I had a lot of extra skin on them too, so getting the minor breast lift and implants helped fix that problem.
I know not everyone out there is going to agree with my method which is fine, but that's not what I am looking for. I just want to know and learn how to love Becky (ME) better!
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dear beck
i currently am your former weight
after years of medication to curb my appetite (i was under cortison, and locked on my own for 8 years in a home, mind you) i m just a big girl
im very active and try my best to look good, but like you, ive been reslessly told i was worthless if i was big.
whats worse is the older i get, the more i look like my mum, thus i hate the face i see in the mirror
the best thing to do is: sever all ties with your family; they are narcissic perverts. your parents use you as a foil. its them who hate themselves.
you're too sweet a person to deserve anything like this
val
ReplyNobody here is a psychologist/psychiatrist, and that's who you *really* need to be talking to, not strangers on the internet.
Self love spawns from self confidence, and we can't really help you find that. Find a professional to talk to, you'll get far better results. It's unfortunate your father undermined your progress so thoroughly; he did precisely what my father-in-law did to my wife, with similar result of making her need others to tell her what looks good, since she doesn't trust her own judgement.
Get a professional.
ReplyThank you. My boyfriend often says I need counseling because I obsess over my weight. My day will be good if I feel skinny, and bad if I feel fat. I want to just be happy, and feel like I am worth while.
ReplyI have to agree with Alchemyguy, you need to talk to a professional. Your issues have little to do with your appearance, and more about what's going on inside of you. In my opinion, I see nothing wrong with the choices to have surgery, except that you believed it would solve your problems of self-image and confidence. I've had both constructive and cosmetic surgery and both improved my appearance signficantly. However, I did the cosmetic surgery (lipo and tummy tuck) for that specific purpose, not because I didn't love myself already or needed to be accepted by others. Those factors were already there. Good luck to you and I'm sure once you have a chance to talk to someone, you'll see what a beautiful person you are!
Reply"Losing Weight Didn't Make Me Love ME Better!"
... well DUH. You thought that fixing external and surface layer problems would make you happy and content on the inside. Wrong!
What you're experiencing is the same phenomenon that rich people that accumulated wealth real quick go through. When they don't have money, they think "Ohh if I can just get enough money... I'll be happy".
The messed up thing here is this: if they don't love them selves for who they are BEFORE getting rich, then a sh*t load of cash isn't going to change that. Same with weight loss.
What YOU need to do is dig, and dig deep. Find out what it is exactly that's lowering your self esteem. You're going to have to face your past, and face your fears. You COULD pay money to a professional... but really, if you're 100% honest with yourself while doing the digging process... you'll come out on top.
P.S- also, eliminating negative people from your life is a pretty good idea. It does NOT matter how the person is related to you. Mother, Father, Boyfirend, Friend, Sibling... whatever.
Tell them that if they can't be positive and supportive around you, you'll dump their a$$. It's that simple. Surrounding yourself with positivity is HUGE.
Easier said than done since I avoid family members who are a complete f*cking drain to be around. But hey, out of the 29,000 days on this planet... I'm not going to sit here and spend them with pessimistic losers.
Good luck.
ReplyFJ is right that you have to fix the inside... saying that, I am like you. I lost weight but never quite can be happy with the way I look. Some is body issues, some is stuff from life experiences that effected me in a bad way, some from never feeling "pretty" in terms of what this world considers pretty. We have all have hang ups for sure! I am full of them & I know it.. at least I know it!
Like FJ, I would say dig for the root of the self worth probs ( I am still doing it!) and get the negative people out of your life OR tell them to their face that they are impacting you in a bad way & if they can't stop then you will have to stop seeing them for now at least. That might make you feel good just to tell them that after being "beat up" by them all these years.
ReplyReminds me of a popular artist that died recently.
ReplyKiteKrazy, getting the procedures I did does not make me a Michael Jackson double. Last time I checked...he didn't get breasts, or a tummy tuck, so before you judge me, you can check yourself in the mirror. Maybe you want something done and find it necessary to pick at people who could actually do it? I see nothing wrong with getting Cosmetic Surgery, because it did make me feel better to a certain extent. I am more accepting of myself. This site isn't meant for judging, or jealously, so maybe you should stick to Myspace and Facebook?
Anyway, I appreciate all the positive comments, and feedback, it means a lot! I know I need a lot of work on my mental self esteem, and it is slow making a U-turn. =]
ReplyYou know, the funny thing is that I still see a slim person, when I look into the mirror. Even though I'm not. The brain sticks to long known images so you have to fool it. When I see pictures of myself I realize what I "really" look like. It's just that different point of view that helps.
I know that professionals who treat people with eating disorders use a lot of exercises to make the patient grasp his/her real body image. Maybe you should see a therapist, I'm sure s/he also helps a lot with the digging.
Good luck - and just listen to your boyfriend, not your father.
ReplyHI BECKY, I am sending you a hug and support. At my highest weight I weighed over 300 pounds and today I am size 12 and keep my weight at about 165. Do not allow what one person says to affect your life, that is only one person in the scheme of millions who will give you the support and love you need to get through this. Sometimes the people around us try to give us what they can it only comes out in a negative way and hurts us in the end as your story tells me. But you are stronger to get through this and need to look at yourself in a very positive way. Our mind is so powerful yet we can block the positive flow of self-love and self-nurturing that we need everyday. I have always used mental skills training to turn things around in my head, keep the positive voice and get rid of the negative one as you can do this.
debra mazda
ReplyDebra, thank you so much! I need people like you who understand what it's like to be the "Fat Girl". Congrads on your weight loss that is amazing! I know it shouldn't matter what people say, but it's hard to get the idea out of my head. Being positive is the key, you are absolutely right!
ReplyBe positive? Sure, but how? THe way that works for me is the book by Jon Gabriel.
I found Jon's book and CD late last year. To me, it is the missing link. I have tried just about everything including many diets, weight watchers, jenny craig, tony ferguson, etc etc. I even had lapband surgery twice many years ago and still have an adjustable band in place but enlarged to the maximum. That is the only way I could keep food down.
There is far too much focus on food and diets and way too little attention paid to the psychological aspects of obesity. Much of what we read is rubbish - losing weight is too hard, you must diet, energy in must be less than energy out, you must be greedy, it's in you genes, you must exercise, if you like a food it must be bad for you, you need to be punished, and on and on.
Jon's book was the first thing I found that made any sense of the whole debate. Obviously, what we are doing about obesity is not working, yet we insist on doing it and we continue looking for the magic pill or gene or protein or discipline - instead of looking into our minds.
I believe Jon has the answer for most of us, if we would take his theories seriously.
While his book is a great source of information, his meditation CD is the key to success, imho. I found it is fabulous, but thought his approach was a little off-beat. So now I also use another guided meditation program as well. I am not game to mention it here for fear of being deleted again, but I would be happy to share.
I seem to be under suspicion by the mods because I have not engaged in other parts of the forum, but I have to admit that I am completely single minded about the gabriel method.
One thing to watch out for is that the weight loss is not steady - at least not for me and hubby. We drop some, then spend long periods on a plateau. That is when most of us would give up or say that it does not work. Nevertheless, I have dropped 30kgs in a little over 6 months. Hubby is not as dedicated as me but has lost about 15kgs. We both have about 20kgs or so to go and we are happy to be persistent and patient and let it happen. It is no ordeal at all.
We do not "diet" but we have added more healthy foods to our routine. We start the day with fresh lemon juice and several glasses of water, then have Jon's big yoghurt based breakfast most days (including fruit, nuts and ground seeds), a salad or such for lunch and some snacks during the day. We are usually not hungry at night and skip dinner most days, or have something light early.
Our food bill has dropped dramatically and we have very little waste - mostly banana skins and lemon remains.
I have raved on enough! Good luck with your goals.
Love
ReplyMarie
I think you just stumbled upon the key to everything...It's good that you recognize that your dad was trying to help but I can totally relate in that I have a mother with a weight obsession. Most of my life, with the exception of the last 7 years, I was pretty thin...at times even too thin, but she continually berated me about being fat. Now that I truly AM fat, she can't even look at me. Probably one of the hardest and best things I did for myself was to get psychiatric help. It turns out that I have a biological component to my low self esteem which is controlled by medication, but for the environmental component, I have been given some pretty awesome tools. I am not happy with the way I look, and I'm not happy with the way I feel health-wise because of the weight, but I truly do like who I am now...something that is very new for me. I know what I've done for weight loss and I know I will lose this weight....and yes, I will get plastic surgury afterwards...I think it's worth it for me to look as good as I feel once this is all gone. I also know that no amount of excercise or toning will get rid of the excess skin now either, and I won't compromise how I feel for that.
I would suggest that you find a good intake program where you can be assessed and properly fitted for the type of treatment (if any) you need. Our hospital did that and had me in intensive treatment 3 years ago, and with follow up sessions periodically since. That might be the place to start. Good luck, and remember that you are a beautiful person.
Replyhello becky weckers!!!!!! its vanessa! remember we both always shared the same conversation,i always had the same problem too, paid gyms for years and never went, complained about my body and never did anything for it, but just 2 weeks ago i found what changed my life and the way i thought about myself. I'm doing p90x!! look it up online. after a week of the work out i could see the difference in my body, i got so much motivation and i feel strong now.. i was always thinking of getting one more palstic surgery but after doing this, i feel that im never gonna need one! look it up online it's amazing xoxo
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