Hello guys,
I just wanted to share my story with people.
I am struggling with an eating disorder. I am not sure if it's anorexia or bulimia, or something else. I have body issues. Not to the point of "Body Dysmorphic Syndrome," or anything like that - I don't see fat where it is not, or vice versa, but I just feel ugly.
I have a terribly low self-esteem. I've been anywhere from starving myself, to gorging myself, and it doesn't have a logical explanation.
I was diagnosed with anorexia in march this year, after I dropped from 136 to 109 pounds, at 5'7". I cut down almost all food except citrus, apples, bananas, cucumbers, tomatoes, cabbage, bell peppers, skim cottage cheese, tuna, and a couple of other low calorie veg and fruit. I was eating 700 calories a day. I felt terribly cold and weak, I couldn't walk normaly, or even stand. I had these stupid voices in my head, calling me fat. I wasn't able to concentrate or speak normally or focus on something, and I felt so blurred and dizzy the whole time.
I was so obsessed, I still am. I've been recovering during these last months, no therapy or anything, just 'power of will'.
I say I eat like a pig now, even if I don't eat regular foods. I can binge, but on raw fruit only. If I eat ice-cream, it's a wasted day. I won't eat meat except chicken, only once or twice a week, and my diet is mainly raw veg and fruit, and some skim youghurt and cottage cheese with diet crisps.
But, I feel fat. Not to the point of feeling obese, just awfully ugly. Like there is no place for me on this planet. And there's this voice saying "lose,lose,lose".
I know how pathetic it sounds, but I can't actually top eating. I'll have like 4-5 servings of fruit at a meal, and eat until I feel full and fat like a pig. I don't eat fast food or anything calorically dense. I just eat loads of healthy, low low calorie stuff.
Still, I eat until I'm uncomfortably full, and I can't control it. And, I'm addicted to cofee, as it's the only thing that makes me not want to eat. I drink it after every 'meal', which is 3 big, double cups of instant cofee a day. A lot. But, it's so out of control.
I'm 117 pounds now and amenorrheic, hypotensive and stupid. I want to go back to restricting. But, I can't stop having tons of fruit. It's insane.
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My name is penni carroll and i have lost ten pounds,but i still have 70 more to go. Does anyone have any suggestions for me, love penni carroll
ReplyPenni Carroll St marys ohio 65 pounds to go.We are routing for you. Penni
Replyovereaters anonymous - I weighted 300 pounds when i was 24 - that was 30 years ago. Today I weigh around 155 and have maintained my weight loss. All the other things I tried through my teens and early 20s did work. I went because it was free and they didn't weigh you every week. It changed my life.
ReplyIrina,
ReplyFood is definitely controlling your life. But there is hope. However, I have found from personal experience (from myself and SEVERAL friends and colleagues) that people cannot recover from eating disorders without professional help, ie: therapy. I think it is extremely important that you find an eating disorder therapist who can help you on your recovery journey. After all, it really isn't about the food. You and your therapist can work together to discover the underlying emotional and cognitive issues that prompt your disordered eating. I wish you the best of luck. Full recovery IS possible! :)
Irina,
The same voice you hear about not being good enough, or feeling "guilty" after eating certain foods I feel too. I also feel disgusted when I feel full, but sometimes you can't help how much you snarf down when you are ridiculously hungry. My highest weight was 192.5 which was like...8 years ago, now I am a healthy 140 5'7' , but I still obsess over everything I eat. I judge how my day will go based on how skinny I feel. I also don't feel like I am good enough unless I am skinny. I feel how you feel, and someone gave me the advice that I need counseling, which you probably need too. Just hoping this will go away isn't enough. I am in the same boat with you! Good luck!!
Becky.
ReplySeek out therapy. Find someone who specializes in eating disorders because "regular" therapists won't cut it. I tried to help myself for years and years and years, then tried a few regular therapists before I finally got help from a therapist who really understands disordered eating. The difference is amazing!
ReplyTrue, but even a non-eating disorder specialized therapist can help with what is behind the eating disorder, whether it's depression, issues of control or inadequacy, things like that.
ReplyI've had a problem with food for 20 years and have been seeing a shrink. I go from one extreme to the other and it is so hard to control. I have lost 34kg in 7 months but i still have 40 to go until i reach what i want. My head is always screaming about how fat i am. I weigh everyday and write down everything that goes in my mouth. Is diet coke good to loose weight on?
ReplyIrina, I've had similar issues - food restriction, exercise bulimia, just general insanity about food and my body - and I've gotten a great deal out of Overeaters Anonymous meetings. You might feel awkward about being thin and attending a meeting - don't. OAers come in all shapes and sizes, and provide support and literature for compulsive overeaters, binge eaters, bulimics, anorexics, etc.
You can find meetings, read more, and even download podcasts at https://www.oa.org/. I wish you the best of luck for recovery and sanity.
ReplyDon't give up Irina! You have so much power to overcome this obstacle in your life, you just haven't been able to discover it all yet. Someone once told me that all of the "mountains" keeping me from where I wanted to go were just made out of cellophane. Some support from a therapist is a good idea. Those voices in your head discouraging you, they can be silenced when you decide that they really aren't true. Ask yourself, can you really know that what they are telling you is true? Imagine your life without those thoughts, then live it like they don't exist. Next time they come up, ask yourself again, are they telling me the truth about me? After you question them again and again, they will lose power and you will gain it.
Best of luck!!
ReplyIt sounds like, among other things, you may suffer from orthorexia.
Please, disabuse yourself of the absurd notion that you have to eat "healthy" food in order to stay or get lean.
It's amazing to me how much the over-emphasis on eating health has warped and perverted otherwise normal people's relationships with the foods they love.
ReplyEating disorders are a serious concern, and no one should have to suffer alone. NEDA’s toll-free, confidential Helpline can help. 800.931.2237 (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org) You don’t have to be alone any longer
ReplyIrina,
While a university student, one of the girls I lived with had similar problems. She eventually managed to get a better relationship with her body and food. The initial trigger was not weight but an emotional insecurity. I would strongly suggest seeking professional help, seeing if there is an underlying reason and learning coping strategies. In Judy's* case it was to do with achievement. In her first year as an undergraduate she did brilliantly and got a prize (literature). Then she got worried that she was unworthy and would not be able to perform as well the next year. It was horrible to watch the decline, but like alcoholism and other addictions, until YOU decide ...
Good Luck
*we share the name, but not the same talents or attitude to food.
ReplyHI IRINA, I want to send you a great BIG HUG and lots of love and support that I know you need right now. You are not alone in this as you might think that you are. There are millions of women who struggle daily with low self-esteem and feel that controlling their food is the only way to have control over this. It is much more complex than me giving you advice but you need to get help and there is lots of it out there, you cannot beat this alone. Find a women's group in your area and let them help you. Each one of us is special and you need to find that voice that tells you just that not the voince that tears you down. I am with you in SPIRIT AND SISTERHOOD.
DEBRA MAZDA
ReplyPenni Carroll st marys ohio gained 20 pounds back.Please pray for me.I cant stay away from china buffet and mcdonalds.
ReplyHi Irina
Please get help, please start taking a really good multivitamin right away, with all the B vitamins for your brain.
I've struggled with disordered eating, anor. and compulsive exercise for about 3 years, yo-yo binge/purge for 18 moths, 4 month binge (yikes!) and finally 6 months later, somewhat normal. But always aware...
Take the B vitamins. Your brain will be depleted and running on cortisol. You will naturally get stuck in a mental rut - the same ruminating thoughts that you are too fat, that you are a loser...
You are beautiful. Don't listen to the deprived voice.
Start with the multivitamins, and bring protein with iron back into your diet - elk is the best red meat.
My heart goes out to you.
You can feel better about yourself, and feel genuine joy again...
Meg
Reply