Helping An Overweight Friend or Family Member

This is a never ending battle for me.
My mother is about 70 pounds overweight, and she has been diagnosed with high blood pressure, AND smokes cigarettes. I should also mention my mother is now widowed and lives alone (I am her only child)
I, her daughter, live in another area of the country and am the opposite. Fitness and healh are VERY important to me. I work out 6 days a week, and watch my diet carefully. Do not smoke, am a healthy weight, etc.
I am CONSTANTLY encouraging my mother to help herself and lose some weight, as she has expressed to me on many occasions that she wants to. She knows she is hurting her health. BUT she will do something, like join a gym or go to weight watchers, etc, but it will last for 1 week and she gives up!!! It hurts me very much, and I dont know what to do. I've laready figured out that she will not respond to negativity at all (if I nag her or get upset with her, she will shut me out). However, I have also tried praising the CRAP out of her when she does something right (go to gym, etc) so that she sees how proud I am of her. This does not work either. I am at a loss

Good luck with this one! If you can get someone to change, it will be a first. Setting a good example is the best you can do. When and if they are ready, and they see how your good habits benefit you, they may improve their lifestyle.

My father is 56 and has a BMI of 30 (same for my mother) My father does want to lose weight and knows he needs to, he is diabetic as well. I am very concerned for his health. He just always comes up with excuses as to why he can't go to the gym we belong to or he won't admit that he eats more than he thinks he does. He won't write down what he eats, he know's he uses food for comfort but he just won't do anything. I'm really afraid he's going to die before he's 60 if he doesn't change. Any advice on what I could do? I've tried telling him this, I've given him articles about how to eat healthy at restaurants and I've even stocked his freezer with Healthy Choice type frozen meals and veggies. He just won't educate himself. He's no busier than I am (I am full time grad student, working on research and on getting a study published, with a 6 day/ 30 hour a week job and I still find time to run 50 miles a week, so I know he, who is a successful independent contractor can make time to go to the gym 3 times a week for 30 min).
My mom is hopeless, she too is obese, but she doesn't care. It's like she wants to die. She knows better but she doesn't care, and she says so.
Help! I don't like watching my parents kill themselves!

Check out ZoneDiet.com and submit your dieting story by Tuesday, Feb. 10 to win the chance to go on a Caribbean Wellness Cruise in March 2009. They also have some great dieting tips and some interesting results from a recent diet and wellness survey.

I think that until somebody asks for your help, you don't go there. This goes for weight, smoking, money problems, parenting...any topic for which people's opinion differs and judgment abounds.

I appreciate that people say its hard to watch someone they love "killing themselves" but just imagine how you would feel if someone you loved approached you to change a behaviour you didn't want to change. I personally find it difficult to see people stop challenging their brains once they are done school, and I could argue that they are at risk for dementia in the long run, but I'm not bugging them to read more or pick up a hard-core crossword puzzle habit. Just because you see it as a problem, doesn't mean they will, and if they don't, you're wasting your breath and risking your relationship.

I've simply given up on helping a close one. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. When I'm asked for help, I will help, and help a lot.

But until then, I lead by example -- I lead "from the front". If someone doesn't want to follow or ask, then that's their prerogative. I've given up any other way.

I think the whole "different priorities" thing definitely applies to my husband and myself. Exercise and eating well is a huge priority for me. I work out 6 or 7 days a week and am in terrific shape. My husband is probably 20 or 25 lbs overweight and doesn't really care about it. Occasionally, he'll mention that he should "get back in shape" and every time he mentions it, I try to be very encouraging. But, in the end, he usually just decides that he'd rather bum out on the couch instead of working out. I know I can't force him to do anything, but I gently try to encourage him to eat better by serving him the one veggie he'll eat (broccoli) and trying to keep his portions reasonable. I suppose it would be a little different if he were visibly unhealthy, but for now it's really just vanity weight.

My mother in law is another story though. She is probably 60 or 70 pounds or more overweight and she has a myriad of health issues. She's diabetic, has high blood pressure, is on thyroid meds, has sleep apnea and takes a statin to control her cholesterol. I think she really WANTS to be healthier, but at the same time I think she sort of likes being unhealthy. It's an attention thing...every time I see her, she tells me all about her conditions and what new meds she's on or her new CPAP machine or whatever. I give her suggestions about how to eat better when she asks, but I don't think she takes any of it to heart because she really does like being ill so she doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. Once, something happened where she was unable to do much for a while and my father-in-law had to do EVERYTHING for her and she milked it for all it was worth. She thrives on that sort of attention, so if she were to get healthy and be able to funtion on her own, I think it would be a very scary thing for her. I wonder how many people feel that way when it comes to being overweight or having serious health issues. Sort of like Munchausen syndrome or something like that.

also in these notes remember that healthy changes don't always lead to weight loss-lots of people can bring down their blood pressure/cholesterol, and generally be healthier and only lose a few pounds.

A friend of mine is very overweight, and also gets secondary gain from her condition (Thx Dr.J) Her weight is so bad, at the age of 14 (a couple months ago) She got a clogged artery in her left arm. Yes, an artery not a blood vessel. She was walking on a bench, and when she fell, she hit her arm on the ground, bursting the artery. She was rushed to the hospital and she now has a foot-long scar on her arm.The scar always has a strange pink/blue/purple color to it, and uses the color to get out of gym class by saying, "When it's this color, I can't do gym because of the lack of blood flow in my arm." Therefore, she gets sympathy for an injured arm, while avoiding excercise. It's been at least a month since she has participated in P.E. at school, and she deliberatley skips days that we have fittness. She is always complaing that she wants to lose weight. How do I help her get over herself, while motivating her to lose weight, and still do enjoyable activities?

I love this blog. I have tried in the past to get my family to improve their health and wellness and at times it has created resentment towards me, and I don't want that. Great ideas. If they are healthy and aren't interested don't push them, its not their priority. I love the idea of cooking for the whole family!

I believe that when you have responsibility for a child, you need to do everything you can to shape their habits to eat well and exercise.

Good tips in this article.

However, an adult family member or friend has to make their own choices and I have found that even if they say they want help, mostly they just keep on with the bad habits and whinge. At the adult level, looking after yourself is all you can do and be a shining example rather than a horrible warning.

like smokers, they already know that a poor lifestyle contributes to poor health. They don't need to hear it from you, as it's all over the news, on billboards, and on the tongues of busy bodies not minding their own business. Unless a person does something to change, you are wasting your breath and are looking for a fight. Set an example, and be supportive if they want to change, otherwise wait for them to have a serious health issue, then they might get the message.

do they have support groups or something for weight loss or for families of people trying to lose weight where you don't actually have to do a weekly weigh in or something?

I thought this may be of interest with so many striving towards a healthier lifestyle. Big Daddy Weave frontman Mike Weaver took on the challenge of losing 90 pounds this year. He's doing this with the help of two health and fitness experts to guide him along the way. Mike has been tracking his progress online with the hope that his successes and struggles will encourage others to live a healtier lifestyle. You can go to www.90in09.com to check out Mike's daily updates, find healthy living tips and ideas, take on your own fitness challenge, and join the online community!

I know I can't "make" someone lose weight or accomplish any other goal unless the person wants it to happen. What I can do --and have done-- is create an environment that doesn't throw up roadblocks. Keeping sugary goodies out of the pantry when I know sugar cravings are hard for my loved one to resist. Taking time to create meals that are healthy. Buying healthy snack foods. Offering encouragment that doesn't sound fake. And I believe in the power of prayer so I quietly pray that my loved one will see in himself all the best that he has in him to be.

That might work for family members that are young, but an adult will just go out later and buy something to satisfy his needs. My friend's wife cooks healthy, so he says, and rather than hear it from her, he just runs to a fast food joint when she's not around and satisfies his needs and wants. Along with his underweight child, they head off to Wienerschnitzel for fat, sugar, salt, and additives. Ummm.

It's funny, people will ask me how I managed to lose weight and when I tell them they don't believe me or want another way aka a magic pill.

I think that many overweight people tend to have addictions to food or the effects of food and/or weight etc.

It's impossible to help those who don't want to give up addictions. I've been there and I can tell you that the issue is so so SO much more than eating too much and not exercising enough. The weight is a little more than a symptom of what is going on inside - mentally and/or emotionally.

You can't really "help" an overweight friend or family the same way you can't get an alcoholic sober. They have a saying in Al-Anon, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."

The best we can do is lend support to those WANTING and willing to do the work to make the lifestyle changes required.

Some people choose not to step outside their comfort zones - no matter how harmful and painful those comfort zones may be. And as humans, I believe it is their right to choose.

This blog has been very helpful. I am now confronted with my husband, who has blood sugar levels in the diabetic range and he is in total denial that he could be diabetic. He keeps on spinning the issue when he sees is doctor. I guess the best thing to do like everyone has been saying is to lead by example. My new approach is going to be to have him eat every few hours try and get more exercise in instead of the exercise he gets with his index finger. This will definitely be my challenge for 2009.

I like the following from the book, Grace on the Go: Quick Prayers for Determined Dieters.

What great supporters DO

o They do help you strategize a good eating plan—but only if invited to do so.
o They offer encouragement, especially if you should momentarily fall.
o If you live in the same home, they do keep wholesome foods on hand.
o They share their own stories and their own struggles.
o They have a good sense of humor and keep life upbeat.
o Some may change their own eating habits to keep you company.
o When hosting a party, they consider your need for low-calorie food.
o They look for ways to get together that are non-food based.

What great supporters DON’T DO

o They never criticize or make fun of you.
o They don’t act like “Food Police” and tell you what to do.
o They don’t announce to the world that you’re on a diet.
o They don’t use secret sabotage by bringing home the “danger foods” you love or by pressing you to eat something you have taken off your food list.

I am a female teenager who was overweight in her mid-elementary years, but since last fall has become an anorexic and has now recovered her weight but still struggles. As I receive perspective from health professionals and myself examine my situation, I realize that not only my personal fear of being unhealthy or looking fat, but also my families influence creates huge stress and struggle. My two brothers and parents are all overweight/obese. My family has just started, for maybe the third time, to spend time together and try to eat healthier. This time, interestingly, my mom initiated the change.

The problem is, I'm trying to work together with my mom and, as patiently as I can, give her advice about my brothers' diet change. My brothers have eaten healthier foods and fairly better portions these past few days, and have been happy b/c we're being a family now.

BUT, my mom sees a half of cup of cantaloupe eaten by her son to mean that he can have a cup of ice cream (for example). Whereas most the food she has been preparing with me is healthy, my mom is cutting and cooking much more food than needed and as usual, eating unstructured servings herself. She eats to get rid of food. She clears my brothers' plates and the close-to-due-date food in the fridge. I think she also eats for the taste too, though. And in the first two to five minutes of dinner, my dad has at least two burgers or double servings of lasagna wolfed down.

My parents unhealthy (disgusting to me) eating habits very much stresses me out, especially when I am trying to guide my mom to guide my brothers. It's terribly difficult not to be strict. My mom reprimands me whenever I calmly suggest that she slow down while eating or that maybe she shouldn't feed the boys an extra cracker serving. And it's not only the stress from trying to guide the family, but also the stress from having to keep myself eating enough when I am disgusted and depressed at meals by my family's eating.

I know that changing their eating habits is more for me and I want that to change. I need to change my heart, I'm selfish at the moment. I don't want to hear their heavy breathing, their sucking in air and disgusting chewing noises while they eat, I don't want to watch them gulp their food without even chewing. I am agitated that they care so little about how they are harming themselves and indulging. But the Lord loves them, and reminds that He is only judge. I just pray that I will remain healthy and trust in the Lord to either give me love and patience or help my family overcome their bad health, bad habits.

I have a son (33 years old) who just got married. He is extremely obese. It is breaking my heart. He and his new wife seem to be in complete denial. He was so uncomfortable at his wedding because the tux didn't fit right. He is scheduled to undergo gastric bypass surgery in January, 2010. He's not doing anything to cut back, afraid to break the machines at the gym (when he does go, which is not often)I think he's got it in his mind that he doesn't have to do anything, just wait til January. His father and I are so afraid for his health. He is adopted (at 5 mos. old) We can't even mention fat to him, he gets so defensesive. His wife just wants him to be happy and doesn't want us mentioning anything to him about it. It's scaring us to death! I wish someone had some suggestions for us. My sister and her husband tried to intervene and it almost cost them their relationship with him, so it was dropped. Complete denial. Please help if you can.