The Secret Guide to Making Any Food Calorie-Free

"There are no calories in my kid's dripping ice cream cone"

if Im dancing vigorously with my Toddler to YO GABBA GABBA whilst consuming.

That link doesn't work.

Awesome!

Another rule: If it has no nutrition information available, it has no Calories (or you can estimate as low as you want)

One of my friends and I joke about there being a comparative size method of determining Calories when we go out and splurge.
This candy bar is smaller than a carrot, thus it has fewer Calories. This bowl of icecream is smaller than a head of lettuce... ;)

There are no calories when you eat standing up. :-D

ah the free food gets me every time and free food is always the junkiest

There are no calories at weddings with an open bar (cocktails and dancefloors burn all calories). And calories do not exist on Thanksgiving Day.

There are no calories in food labeled "Zero Trans Fat" or "A Source of Whole Grains". Not to forget, "Provides Five Essential Vitamins"

If you stand while you eat the calories travel through your body and into the ground beneath you.

If you eat a high calorie food (candy bar) and drink a diet drink, they cancel each other out and you consume no calories.

(I think my mom heard these way back when she was in Weight Watchers in the mid-80s.)

There are no calories if you eat while walking.

This rule enables me to get a scoop of ice cream at our local ice cream shop. I walk to the shop about 1/2 mile away, this is worth at least 50+ calories. Then I walk back home while eating ice cream. Balancing while walking and eating surely count for around 100+ calories on the same 1/2 mile back.

And a small cup of ice cream (nevermind that it is over flowing) can't possibly have more the 100 calories.

So I really just burned 50 calories... Right???

Healthy foods cancel out unhealthy foods to equal zero calories.

Example: 1 celery stick + 1 item of "junk" food = zero calories.

There no calories in junk food if you promise you won't eat it again...

My favorite "food-rule" of all time is this: if you break a cookie (or whatever the food is), all the calories fall out. So eat two.

what do they mean there are calories on my birthday!!?! its next week and my friend makes red velvet cake every year with no calories even if i eat the whole cake!

I here to much of this sort of thing from clients. That's one the reasons why our program has room for a little slippage.

*stares at the floor in shame*

It's me.

uh, yea. sure.

A variation on the cancelling out rule -- in fact, this is even better:

If the brownies sit next to the celery on the snack table, the celery actually absorb the calories (and fat) of the brownies but leave all the taste. Then, it's actually better to eat the brownies than the celery because the celery would make you gain weight.

Calories never ever count on VACATION!!!

Calories in healthy food (raisins, avocado, salmon, nuts...) don't count.

There are no calories in the broken cookies. This is a corollary to the rule that food eaten in small amounts may be safely rounded down to zero--however breakage requires its own rule because the calories leak out. You can intentionally break a cookie to destroy the calories.

You can't forget about the thermodynamics of this rule: The colder the food/drink is, the fewer calories it ultimately has because your body has to warm it up. Oh, and any food consumed while you are drunk has zero calories because you probably can't remember exactly what you ate!

Man, I'm a grad student. If free food has no calories, I should be a size 6 by now. :( What gives?

This article is hystertical if only it were true though. I generally don't count calories from vegetables since they tend to be so low and you can get away with eating a lot more. Take for instance a bag of spinach has about 2.5 servings in it and has less than 30 calories for the entire bag. What's the point in even counting them and the way I eat spinach one bag equals one serving. Treating yourself to a bite of something here and there shouldn't be counted against you as long as you are not doing this all day long because yes eventually all those little bites can add up to a substantial amount of calories not including all the other calories from your meals or snacks. The key is moderation and not self deprivation.

There are no calories if it's dipped in Olive Oil or marinated in Olive Oil.

And there are no calories in food eaten in front of the TV because you cannot remember what you have eaten when you eat in front of the TV.

I usually don't post, but I have to say this: there are no calories in food not in its "final" form. For example, cookie dough or cake batter do not have calories because they are not yet cookies or cake.

"Since most 'smidgens' come in at under a hundred calories, they can be rounded down to zero calories" ... hilarious and so true!