SubscribeCan a Diet Break Up a Relationship?
Relationships end for a lot of reasons: differences of opinion, growing apart, boredom or good old-fashioned infidelity, but eating habits! Could one partner's change in diet actually kill a romance?
It might. "When one person alters that routine, it can unwittingly throw off the balance of the relationship or make the other feel rejected," Cynthia Sass, R.D., co-author of Your Diet Is Driving Me Crazy, told Shape magazine.
In the article Sass offers these suggestions for women contemplating a new diet, but are worried about their boyfriend's reaction:
- Prepare him for changes: "That doesn't mean announcing you're going to start a new eating program tomorrow," says Sass. Share your plans at least a few days in advance and try to communicate your reasons for making adjustments to the normal dining routine.
- Address his concerns: You'll help circumvent negative feelings that may arise once your diet starts. Because he may worry your goal is to get him to lose weight, clarify any expectations you have.
- Identify potential stumbling blocks: Will you have to make your own dinners? Are DVD-and-pizza nights banned? Once you've raised the tough questions, you can come up with solutions together.
Now, I'm a health nut and I actually broke up with a girl because she started eating snack cakes and potato chips. Of course I just told her, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." I'm stupid, but not that stupid!
Editor's Note: Rejecting someone just because of their eating habits seems a bit superficial to me... --Jim
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I beleive eating healthily together can bond couples.
ReplyMake your healthy dinner into a romantic night.
You seriously broke up with a girl because she ate snack cakes and potato chips? I could maybe understand if she had horribly unhealthy habits overall, but I wouldn't have thought that that was grounds for a breakup ...
ReplyDiets can cause strain in relationships if one of the partners feels insecure about the relationship. I personally have lost over 60 pounds and my husband didn't like the fact that I even started a diet. Once I started losing weight, his insecurity became even more apparent. We are still together, but the relationship is strained. When your significant other likes a fat slob for a spouse and you've changed into something that someone else looks at...watch out.
ReplyWow, I never thought of that. I assumed a husband would be happy that his wife is getting in shape. Then again, I know how self-improvement can cause strains in relationships. Sometimes, friends and family feel threatened when you change.
ReplyYep, I totally "get" that. Safer to have a fat wife that won't be leaving you. Thin + attractive wife can = insecure husband.
~Mike
ReplyYeah - I've read about/heard about these stories... it's almost always the guys in this case... they try and sabotage the gal's efforts because they fear that their spouse will not be attracted to them anymore. It's pretty sad when someone wouldn't support their spouse in this type of healthy journey.
On the flipside, if one partner decides to make a change, it's important to respect the fact that the spouse may not ready for that step yet. That said, the spouse not ready to change owes it to the person they love to support them in any way they can. IMHO.
ReplyTell me you're joking! :-)
~Mike
ReplyHey Mike-
Nope, not joking. Bringing chips, snack cakes, and fast food into my apartment is a major no-no with me.
Of course, this might be part of the reason why I'm still single...lol!
Peace.
Reply-Gerry
OK... hmmm... I guess it must have been the chip that broke the camels back then? :-)
ReplyIndeed! My diet is all about fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds. So when someone brings junk food into my house, I get edgy. LOL.
Peace.
Reply-Gerry
Really? That IS interesting. I'd like to chat to you privately if you're up for it? If so, send me your email address via my contact form on Habit Guide
Cheers
~Mike.
ReplyMate... you need to relax a little...
Reply"Of course, this might be part of the reason why I'm still single...lol!"
Yeah ... I'm all for healthy eating but seriously, I'm not surprised girls don't want to stick around if you're that rigid.
ReplyFor my husband it's a matter of healthy food allegedly not tasting as good as unhealthy food. The challenge: Making sure meals are as tasty as hell and healthy...
ReplyAgreed, it's a challenge.
Last week I made the mashed cauliflower recipe from South Beach and tasted it before dishing it out...
Me: "Look Drew, healthy pretend mashed potatoes that taste good!"
Drew: "Where's the gravy?"
ReplyI'm not a huge fan of forcing someone to make changes in their lifestyle without their consent. Many times people will start a new diet, and force those around them to do the same. I think they should encourage those around them to improve their eating habits, especially if they are at risk for health issues.
ReplyI see this with my training clients all the time.
My client wants to eat healthy, fat fighting foods, and their spouse, either consciously or subconsciously, is sabotaging their desire to lose fat.
It is very draining on a relationship and I have no doubts that it can kill a relationship.
One person starts to get viewed as a health nut just because he/she doesn't want junk in the house anymore and it just progresses from there.
But you also have to wonder what kind of a relationship it was to begin with if food kills it...
Ed
ReplyTotally agree with you there Ed. My wife and I eat totally different diets. Food isn't an issue. I think part of the problems we humans have with food is we make it into more than just food... you know -- stuff to give you energy and make you healthy.
~Mike.
Reply"My client wants to eat healthy, fat fighting foods, and their spouse, either consciously or subconsciously, is sabotaging their desire to lose fat."
My husband likes to "reward" me with a tub of ice cream from my favorite ice cream store, regardless of how many times I've asked him NOT to. When I've reached a weight loss milestone, he wants to celebrate with a dinner at my favorite restaurant (which does NOT make diet-friendly fare...). I really don't think he's doing it consciously or with malicious intent. I just think he's programmed to celebrate or reward with food.
On another note, I once broke up with a guy because he would not eat anything resembling plant life. It drove me bonkers. I'm all for meat, but goodness, fruits, veggies, and grains should be the staple of a diet, not just steak!
ReplyThere's no such thing as "fat fighting foods", only foods that don't encourage adipose. The only way to "fight fat" is to be in a caloric deficit.
ReplyAny kind of personal improvement, not just weight loss, can strain a relationship.
In a long past relationship, I not only lost weight, but went to law school. My partner at the time, kept making snide comments along the lines of "You are going to leave me for someone better." and would make attempts to sabotage my better eating efforts by buying me chocolates.
His comments turned into a self-fulfilling prophesy. Though I did not leave him for someone else, I finally got fed up with his lack of support and down-right hampering of my needs to grow.
Ultimately, I did end up with someone better.
ReplyI love it when I see my girlfriend as enthusiastic as I am about eating right and exercising. And when she is not, I keep telling myself 'just another desicion I have to respect without agreeing, put it right next to shoe shopping'.
ReplyOh... and when she is noticed by others, it feels more like a pad in the back then an insecurity boost.
What a great attitude!
~Mike
ReplyConsider the converse of this article--diets can also help strengthen a relationship. If one person decides to diet and exercise consider a responsive partner who shows the greatest support or joins in.
I know from experiences with my wife that our greatest diet success has been since we are "on the same page" and exploring healthy living togehter. We spend more time walking and talking with our kids and have more energy to put into our relationship.
I think that Ed is right when he asks what type of relationship can't survive changes in food? How would the relationship survive something serious?
What is really killing the relationship is the lack of support, respect, and understanding. I would submit that those are likely more subversive issues than the change in diet.
ReplyI'm going to vote that Marc is right, though perhaps going on a diet is what shows the lack of support and therefore is seen as the issue, even if it's not really. I also love the comment about shoe shopping-do you really have to approve of 100% of the things your partner does? no. Everyone needs to let some stuff go as long as you aren't being forced to participate. for example I'd see this "Indeed! My diet is all about fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds. So when someone brings junk food into my house, I get edgy. LOL." as just as big of a sign of insecurity as breaking up with someone who choose a better diet-does her diet really affect you that much? Is she denying you your fruits and vegtables?(I don't know, and if so, yeah, break up with her. but if not? good grief)
ReplyI'm offended by the comment that you would dump a girl because of her eating habits. I've seen so many young girls on this website of a healthy weight asking if they need to diet, seeing a post that eating unhealthily will lead to sexual rejection only adds fuel to the fire.
Please clarify your feelings on the issue!
ReplyMarina, I for one do not agree with or condone with such actions. The value of a person is not in the food they eat of the size and shape of their body.
I also believe that telling a partner what to eat is a form of control - and is likely to be unhelpful. Self-growth is something that each person must choose to do of their own free-will.
Jim, Editor, Diet-Blog.com
ReplyHey Marina-
I figured I'd catch some heat on this. This is a two part answer. Without getting into it. This particular individual was a NIGHTMARE, so the bad the eating habits were kind of the straw that broke the camel's--or in this case--my back.
But here's the deal. I'm very strict about what I eat. I only eat plant foods, no refined foods, sugars, trans-fat, HFCS, no meat, no fried foods, etc, etc. Also, I exercise like crazy! So, I need a partner that's similarly obsessed. This girl--who I only dated for a little over a month--said she was all into exercise and healthy eating, but right around the one month mark she went 180 degrees on me. Stopped exercising, started eating all sorts of junk, and started criticizing me about my habits. So, basically it was a train wreck. Not to mention, after a month she TRIED TO MOVE IN WITH ME! It was a stew of things...an unhealthy stew!
See where I am coming from now?
Peace.
Reply-Gerry
therefore, you only added in your comment for controversy. you admittedly knew you'd get heat for such a ridiculous statement yet the real reason you actually split with your ex was for more than just unhealthy eating habits.
ReplyWhen I had lost 40 pounds, my ex would accuse me of cheating on him with my co-workers and even my female friends, even though it was him who was cheating on me.
He would also sneak huge bags of candy into my purse sometimes before I left for work. I'm diabetic. The candy got donated to my co-workers, who swore he was trying to kill me. Probably true.
I left him for a younger, nicer, way hotter and nicely fit guy that I'm still with two years later. :)
ReplyI think it's easier on the relationship when both people are on the same page with the way they eat, or at least in the same book :-)
Of course, I agree with Jim as to each of us finding our own way in a, hopefully, supportive environment.
ReplyI wish my husband and I were more on the same page when it comes to working out and eating right. He kind of does his own thing and I do mine, which is ok, but I kind of wish he'd be more supportive of my working out. It'd also be nice if he'd at least TRY to be a little bit healthy and look halfway decent for me. Luckily, he's pretty secure about himself and he doesn't think I'd leave him for someone else, but I can see that being an issue with some men.
ReplyThis is a problem I haven’t encountered before. Hmmm, food for thought.
ReplyI know that my diet habbits put a large strain on my current relationships... both my friendship and with my boyfriend. when i say "diet" i mean the fact that i am dealing with bulimia. but even enacting a new diet pattern can always rock the dinner boat.
ReplyMia, might I suggest the strain is coming not from your "diet", i.e., your decision to make healthful changes in the way you eat; the strain is more likely from worry that you are slipping into patterns that are destructive to your physical and emotional health. I struggled for years with an eating disorder, and know that it's hard to feel that you're being challenged at every turn about what you do—or don't—put in your mouth. While I can't claim to know exactly what you and your loved ones are going through, I do know that it takes a lot of care and attention from you to balance a tendency toward dysfunctional eating habits with good eating habits. And your family and boyfriend are probably worried and traumatized and may question you, but I imagine their fondest wish would be to support you in the healthiest choices possible. Keep showing them your efforts to do what's best for your long-term health, and more than that, make that commitment to yourself, and with any luck, you'll all begin to heal. Take care!
ReplyLast year out of the blue I up and decided one day I'd had enough and was getting rid of my excess weight. I told my husband I was heading to the gym. He said "ok, let's go." I was annoyed at first because to me it was just another thing that i couldn't have to myself as he is the clingy type and always wanting to be around me. But I didn't want to be a bitch so off we went together to the gym. Fast forward to today and we are both 50 lbs lighter and our relationship is the best it's been probably since we first started dating and were in that infatuation stage. When people see us now they tell us how good we look together and it feels good. Getting healthy together has really brought us much closer.
ReplyI'm glad this poor woman didn't know your reasons for dumping her Gerry. I wish I didn't. Your concerns in health and fitness needn't be hers. Would it not be nicer to say "we were incompatible" or "we were into different things" or, if you must, "she was a bit of a bunny boiler" than "she started eating snack cakes and potato chips"?
Young women have enough body image issues without seeing comments like this on a blog concerned with creating positive body image, and which is frequented by over-weight people looking for inspiration and support.
Peace.
ReplyIf your relationship is that flimsy it needs to be put out of its misery anyway.
ReplyI met my husband eight years ago when he came to me for nutrition advice. His fiance at the time told him he needed to cut out the fat, see a nutritionist and get with a personal trainer. Well, one thing led to another and the wedding was called off. We got married a year later.
I warned him right from the beginning: once-a-client, always-a-client. "You have a lifelong nutrition coaching package." I hear NO complaints. However, I do make lots of grass-fed steaks, duck, wild salmon, and tons of organic veggies with plenty of olive oil, duck fat and butter. I cook many things in yummy duck fat (a monounsaturated fat) and use plenty of grass fed butter. The longest lived people in France live on duck fat and foie gras.
My man is leaner and healthier than ever and is thankful he discovered a nutritionist who does not buy into the low fat fable.
ReplyLinda, thank you for the mention of monounsaturates in duck fat.
Most people don't realize the large amount of monounsaturated fat found in animal-based foods.
When I studied NutritionData.com, however, it became clear that if all types of animals were put in a blender (chicken, duck, pork, lamb, beef, fish, shellfish) the ratio of fats found in that slurry would be around 2:2:1 (sat:mono:poly).
I believe this is a ratio of fats that we should aim for in our diets as well. However, people are eating far too many polyunsaturated fats, particularly due to the consumption of vegetables oils (corn, soybean, etc.)
ReplyAlso, fat expert Udo Erasmum recommends 20% fat I believe -- same as the okinawans.
~Mike.
ReplyGood point Mike. Although, in Okanawa, food is cooked in LARD. According to 1982 and 1997 reports in the journal Stroke, as Japanese have increased their animal fat consumption, they have seen a decrease in incidence and mortality from stroke and a rise to the longest lived country.
As Americans have decreased their intake of fat, obesity and diabetes rates have tripled.
The massive 2006 Women's Health Initiative shows women with heart disease who try to bring their fat intake down to 20% see a 26% increase in heart attack risk.
ReplyAmericans have not decreased their intake of fat.
http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2007/02/21/the_foods_that_made_america_fat.php
As a percentage of caloric intake, fat consumption has actually gone up slightly.
The real difference is that Americans have drastically increased their intake of calories.
ReplyMore evidence that fat consumption is increasing, not decreasing.
http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2008/08/03/business/0803-sbn-webMETRICS.jpg
(Not that I think it makes a difference, in itself. The difference is the number of calories that people eat).
ReplyHi Linda,
That's a new one on me. Wilcox and crew who studied the Okinawans for many years say the oil of choice is canola. I've no doubt lard is sometimes used because they eat small amounts of pork. Two facts that may not be related. Because they both happened does in no way prove that one caused the other. Modern times have seen an introduction of many unnatural dietary changes. Given the Okinawans, a reduction in fat seems unlikely to be the cause. I checked their own website at whi.org and see no reference to any increased risk in CHD. They do mention links to reducing sat fat though. Also they talk about reduced risk of cancer with 20% fat. Enter Dean Ornish who has proved it's possible to REVERSE heart disease with very low fat diets. Reverse mind you.But that's just CHD, doesn't necessarily mean a VERY low fat is good as a general diet. Nutrition is a complex business with many factors involved.
You can use science to prove just about any diet but what is most convincing is WHOLE diets on POPULATIONS.
Now that doesn't say that the healthiest populations are eating the BEST diet possible, just that they're eating better than any other nation.
Okinawa is a good place to start -- 20% fat.
Having said all that, I think TOTAL fat will turn out to be a red herring, what with the mediterraneans eating a lot more total fat. Also, Harvard seem to think higher fat is OK too and seem to love the mediterranean style.
At the moment, my money is on 20%, but I also like Harvard so I don't worry if I slip with the olive oil :-)
~Mike.
ReplyCanola oil was invented in the 1970's, so an unlikely traditional fat for Okinawans, a population with citizens living well into their 90's and 100's. According to an Okinawan gerontologist, Kazuhiko Taira the islanders' diet is "....very, very greasy" and that people eat about the same amount of pork as they do fish.
As for the WHI study, check JAMA, Feb 8, 2006.
Dean Ornish's complete program (diet, exercise, support, yoga, meditation) reverses heart disease. He told me he believed the most powerful component of the program was the support, not the diet. Patients are not advised to continue on the restrictive fat program once healthy.
Traditional fat-rich diets have supported health in the world's longest lived populations for centuries. Check out the work of researcher Weston A. Price, a dentist who traveled the world looking for commonalities in the world's healthiest populations. Although from different sources, all healthy populations consumed fat-rich diets.
Also read Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon and Mary Enig. They describe the political forces and special interests at work behind low-fat recommendations. They also summarize and reference the largest studies on dietary fat.
Even Harvard's own web site reported "the final nail is in the coffin" when it comes to recommending low fat diets.
For me, the proof is in seeing the result in my clients, many of whom were once patients of Dean Ornish.
ReplyI believe the Ornish program is at about 10% fat. When they improve, he may go to 20%: still low.
ReplyI suspect that Dr. Ornish feels that every aspect of his eclectic program is important.
Perhaps you have seen many of his patients because his program got them that far.
Howdy Dr J!
What kind of a mad world is it when ONE MAN (and his team) develops a program to reverse heart disease. When ONE MAN (David Klein) develops a program to reverse Crohn's and colitis, when ONE MAN (Gabriel Cousins M.D) develop a program to reverse diabetes.
In 2008, with the scientific and financial clout we have, where is the team effort to resolve all these issues? Why are we still talking about WHAT TO EAT!! :-)
Oh... and hope you are well :-)
Mike
Reply"What kind of a mad world is it?"
...and where is this hand-basket going again?
Cheers buddy!!
Replyer... to hell probably :-) Just venting my anquish that given the importance of nutrition, the cutting edge is left to "free radicals."
Maybe to heaven?
Mike.
ReplyHere's a real answer:
People know exactly what to eat..
...it's what not to eat that they are unwilling to do!
ReplyDr J, you make me think too much with your crypticness. My head hurts :-)
In truth, the big BIG issue is what you just said. BUT there are also amazing things unexplored on the fringes -- esp. with raw foods and healings from all sorts including cancer. I find it kind of frustrating that science doesn't jump up and down with excitement and fund some studies.
With all the reversal of disease going on with the nutritional fringe, perhaps it's time to incorporate "lessons learned" into the mainstream?
Don't want to draw you into an unwanted debate against your will here :-) Plus, my head still hurts :-)
Cheers
ReplyMike.
Have you noticed that the mainstream is now calling it complementary medicine rather than alternative medicine? Perhaps it's a step in the right direction of can't we just all get along and work together:-)
ReplyYeah groovy! I would like to see an open centralized forum funded by independant org where anyone with a viewpoint or idea backed by evidence can apply.
The forum could be backed by serious money and a BIG panel of independent experts who could allocate funds to worthy ideas.
The forum would be open and transparent.
Unanswered questions could easily be identified and answers funded.
All nutritional research could then be centralized and be efficiently organized.
Although we DO know a lot, the truth is we're not even close to answering "what's best to eat."
The future is uncooked foods -- trust me :-)
~Mike.
ReplyHey, if we keep this conv. up, eventually there will be one word per line... and what will happen after that??? :-)
ReplyI completely agree with Mike here in that while it's interesting to scoop up epidemiological evidence, these studies are observational in nature and the outcomes need further study through intervention or clinical trials. Epidemiological research gives us data about distribution and determinants of disease/health, but it does not establish cause and effect. Correlation is not the same as causation.
To use your example of the French: While it is interesting that French people live longer while eating copious amounts of foie gras, we cannot conclude that lots of foie gras = long live therefore high fat diets prolong life. We have to look at the fact that the French eat less than we do, take longer to eat than we do and have different outlooks on life in addition to countless other lifestyle factors. To quote Marion Nestle "The problem with nutrient-by-nutrient nutrition is it takes the nutrient out of the context of the food, the food out of the context of the diet and the diet out of the context of the lifestyle".
Mike is correct, the Okinowan's for the most part thrive on a low fat diet, however I think we need to step away from the low fat vs. high fat box as there is a bigger picture here.
Traditional Okinawan fare includes a diet rich in whole foods and they consume much more fish than do their U.S. counterparts.
In my opinon, even better than "Nourishing Traditions" I would recommend Pollan's "In defense of Food". There is less bias there and he takes a more honest look at population-based diets - acknowledging that civilizations thrived on both high fat and lower fat diets. He also provides some insight into the important work of Weston A. Price without putting him on a pedestal like Fallon does. Also, there is no editorialization of data to suit one's agenda like in Nourishing Traditions. Don't get me wrong, NT is a good book, but it is flawed in some areas and doesn't come across as objective as Pollan's books. Heck, read both and decide for yourself!
Back to the "getting out of the fat content box", we need to look at the bigger picture in terms of WESTERNIZATION of diets - much of which includes an influx of highly processed refined grains and sugars. This is the real culprit, not eating a certain percentage of fat.
It's like Pollan says; populations have thrived off both high fat and low fat diets but westernized diets are something we would never be able to adapt to.
I appreciate the opportunity to discuss!
ReplyHi Mike!
Great answer! And agree with it all. I have had Pollan's "Dilemma" book for ages but not got round to reading yet. Thanks for the recommendation of the other one, I'll get it and read it in preference.
I agree with "westernization" of diets which is why I said that I think the fat thing will turn out to be a red herring.
The irony of all this is that while nutritionist, dieticians and interested laymen argue about the nitty-gritty, your average punter is eating crap from morning to night. Healthy food is an accident in most peoples diets that I see!
Talking of Weston Price. His book is SOO expensive which is a big shame because everyone should have a copy just for the pictures of teeth which is such a graphic reminder of the power of nutrition.
One of the big problems is separating cause and effect with diet. I wrote a "call to sanity" in a post way back called "7 ideas to end dietary confusion" which Jim actually featured here on diet blog.
First rule of nutrition -- Eat Whole Natural Foods.
Surely following the first rule which a modicum of balance will solve 99% of our nutrition problems.
I enjoyed the discussion too Mike. My main point is that 20% fat is not bad. Low fat is not bad.
The likely truth is that humans can thrive on a wide variety of macronutrient ratios. Like you said, what we can't do, is eat all of the processed junk that is the mainstay of most people's diets.
Bring on the foie gras! What IS that anyway? :-)
~Mike
ReplyHi Linda,
Point taken about the canola. I checked JAMA and still no reference to increased risk of heart disease.
As far as the "very greasy" diet, hmmm I would prob defer to Wilcox who has studied the Okinawans intensively for many years.
As far as Ornish telling you "support" was the big factor -- I can't take this seriously. ALL the lifestyle factors are important of course. Ask Ornish if he would change is 10% fat rule because "support" is more important! This isn't a valid argument :-)
Weston Price -- I'm a fan, I like his book, but we need good science to back up hypothesis.
Sally Fallon -- My reading list is long, can you just point me to the evidence to support your theories?
Harvard -- yes I already mentioned Harvard love the mediterranean way :-)
Best wishes
Reply~Mike.
I think the only thing that would drive my dh nuts is if I constantly went on and on and on about food, diets, the way I look, etc. or refused to go out to eat because I didn't want to "break my diet". Those kinds of things could drive anyone away.
ReplyMy partner's eating habits are important to me. Not having an adventurous palate would have been a deal breaker for me. I could not have married a meat-and-potatoes guy or someone who felt Oscar Meyer balogna was acceptable as a daily lunch. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
Reply