SubscribeStop Chasing Someone Else's Dream
With an exhausted sigh she dissolved into tears - not the normal response after coming home from the gym. It was yet another comment from yet another guy.
It seems that women doing weights with a smile on their face is a sexual come-on to some guys: "A good-looking woman doing weights: She must want me" they think.
Objectification: one person treats another person as an object and not as a fellow human being with feelings and consciousness of his or her own.
Where does it end?
We drive past billboards that suggest liposculpture is the answer to life's woes. Every newspaper and magazine we open shows a model advertising something. It's the typical model: she's tall, white, tanned, flat stomach, long legs, long hair, perfect breasts. She's in every ad - but she has no name.
Because only perfect-model-girl is allowed to advertise anything. You want to wear something nice? You become like model-girl first.
McDonald's is in on it too. They give away My Scene Barbie dolls with Happy Meals. Little girls everywhere can stuff themselves with nuggets and fries while playing with model-girl. There she is again. The tucked-in waist, the long legs, the hair. Micro-mini skirts with halter tops.
You don't have to be model-girl.
You could get fit. You could feel good, feel healthy, nourish your body. You could be the best you can be, and stop pursuing someone else's dream.
It's hard to get over the pressure to be someone else. I've been fit for years; and only recently gotten truly completely over past eating disorders and self image and been happy despite (oh no) the extra 10 lb.
Replythis pressure has more to do with economics and capitalism then simple objectification. Things are advertised by society's ideal or people who represent what the majority desire...simple as that. Every business wants to make as much money as possible off people and they do it by every tactic possible and making people feel bad about themselves or inadequate. Youth, beauty, health, wealth, and popularity have all been traits that have been valued as long as there has been traits to value. If having a obese woman selling clothes would sell more clothes then they would be in every ad tomorrow.
By all means don't chase another's dream....if you're happy smoking 2 packs a day and being morbidly obese then have fun with it and don't be at all surprised when you die in front of your TV in your 40's. If you don't want to be healthy then don't be.
I'd argue that people aren't seriously "chasing someone else's dream" or feeling the "pressure" much these days. Obesity rates are skyrocketing and the imagery in advertisements isn't changing. If people were truly feeling a lot of pressure to have a certain appearance then the median or norm would start to shift towards that appearance instead of going the direct opposite direction.
Replyi've always felt an incredible amount of pressure to stay thin- my friends are not critical or judgemental, they love me the way i am. on the other hand, out in the real world, when i go to a gym (i'm 5'0, 110), i'm getting stared at by everyone. especially, the leggy waifs doing their 3rd hour on the mill. i can't worry about it though. the only thing we can do is believe that we eat well, we exercise often, and we'll teach the next generation that we have to look out for our health, not for what everyone else looks like.
ReplyOh P-leez...fat is ugly; that's why none of us want it. I happen to think that all sorts of shapes are attractive (waif, fitness model, J-Lo all look very different, but all look good). That being said, I would like to see more of a variety of lean shapes. I hate the stupid bikini shots on the cover of so many fitness magazines...I'd like to see those trim/fit bodies in action...doing something fun like rock climbing, kayaking, or even just playing with the kids without being winded. But overall, yes, we should be striving to be our individual best. And I agree with the comment above...we must all be spending more time feeling bad than actually doing anything about it...at least judging by the 80% of the population that's overweight.
Replyit's tough. interestingly, i never had body image issues as an overweight child/teen. my issues only set in AFTER i started losing the weight. all of a sudden, people were so much warmer to me. but i was the same person - just 5, 10, 15, then 20 lbs lighter. now, weighing 98 lbs, i wonder if i have to keep this up to sustain the level of treatment i've been getting. thinness and beauty also surround me. at my law school, there are so many skinny, pretty, stylish, charming women, and all these traits are in addition to being extremely intelligent and hardworking. i feel like i have to keep up with those around me to even stand a chance.
ReplyJust a note on the link, "Fat girl on a bike"... it's a protected site, you must have a Wordpress Login (free) to view.
ReplyActually, "Fat Girl on a Bike" has gone on hiatus because of the negative crap she has been getting from people who think that fat people can't be athletic and active.
Read through her reasons why on Kate Harding's site http://kateharding.net/.
I'll quote one part which connects directly to the discussion of objectification:
"What the hell gives you the right to go up to a fat person and offer diet advice or ask if they’ve lost weight? On the flip side, what the hell gives you the right to go up to a naturally thin person and tell them they should eat something? Our bodies ARE NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY."
ReplyStraight up. Get a helmet, people.
ReplyFirst of all, the Barbie proportions aren't humanly possible, there have been articles written about that. However that doesn't mean that little girls know that...instead they just might think that is how they are supposed to look.
I don't agree with the Barbie's or the ads with air brushed models that don't depict "real life", and on the other hand I don't see anything wrong with losing weight and getting fit....not a goal in being skinny and weak, but in shedding unhealthy body fat, fat that is not only on the outside of the body, but is of course around the inner organs, too.
If you can keep the focus on your health and combine it with your desire to look your best (not comparing yourself to others but looking the best you can look), then I think that you are on a healthy track for both body and mind. Do Barbie's in happy meals help with this goal? No, so that's where the parents come in and teach healthy self-esteem to their children, or better yet... decide to stop spending their money on non-nutritious fast food!
ReplyThe link illustrated that fitness does not necessarily equate with thin. There are a number of people out there who are 'classified' as overweight but are actually in good health and are fitter than most 'normal weight' people.
ReplyI do have to say that I played with Barbie as a girl, and I never once imagined I was supposed to look like her. Barbie was a doll like all the other dolls I had. Did I imagine babies had to look like baby dolls or that animals had to look like stuffed animals? Nope.
That said, I too hate how our bodies are public property. If I lose some weight, I have to hear about it. "Oh, you've lost so much weight! Wow!" Duh, I know. No need to gush over it...I didn't do it for you.
ReplyHaving been a trainer in the gym atmosphere, I have seen plenty. For some, the obsession to achieve magazine cover status has really become ridiculous. And it is not just girls. Yes there are those girls who parade through the gym in spandex outfits, do a curl, and then go parade around some more. There are also those guys, though, that wear half cutoff T-shirts, do a set of curls, go flex in the mirror, and then go flirt with the girl in spandex. It's a vicious cycle, but it really has led some gyms to become nothing but a dating service. It is a shame that those who really are there to work out are subjected to having to put up with all the flaunting that goes on in the gym, but sometimes what he or she wears in the gym is an invitation for instances such as the one in this post. Until required dress attire becomes part of gym policy, I don't ever see the flirtation that goes on in gyms coming to a stop. Just remember, if you don't want to deal with Mr. or Miss Wrong, then wear regular T-shirts and shorts; at least this would help a little.
ReplySome people look just as hot in a t-shirt and loose shorts... there's nothing you can do about the sexual nature of humans.
ReplyI find it a bit depressing that decades after the feminist movement began to challenge this way of viewing women--as primarily sexual objects--that it's still so firmly rooted in our culture. Whether it's weight or age or having a "pretty" face: it seems to still be the primary way society looks at women and women look at themselves. Am I hot? Or ugly? Does my butt look big in these jeans?
Yuck.
I seriously doubt most men spend anywhere near the kind of time worrying about this crap that women do.
I used to blame sexism and "male oppression" and thought that political activism would help--but now I'm older and crankier and can't help noticing how eager so many women are to conform to this way of thinking. Men objectifying women is a big problem--but so is women objectifying themselves.
McDonalds wouldn't offer those Barbies unless little girls were clamoring for them. How do we change that? Heck if I know.
But until women start saying "screw it" to unobtainable standards of attractiveness and stop obsessing so much about how they look, I doubt the whole dynamic is going to change much.
Thought-provoking post, Jim!
ReplyI'm coming off of a vicious cycle of exercising my butt off in order to feel good about myself, even though it doesn't really make me feel good about my body; it just makes me aware of the fact that I'll never have Uma Thurman's body. I've come to the realization that I've got to live my life for me, not other people.
I think women objectify themselves a lot more than men do. My husband is relatively clueless about a lot of the stuff that women experience (clothing, makeup, hair, etc.) to be beautiful. I've started to kind of say "screw it" to comparing myself to any movie stars/celebrities/etc. and I'm happier for it.
ReplyHell, my page can illustrate that. :D I exercise 15 hours a week, and I'm 5'4, 164 lb, 40.5-29.5-40.5 currently.
ReplyWe worry about different things. From a sociological standpoint guys have an entirely different set of values that are traditionally valued in society by the opposite sex. Women are judged much more heavily on their appearance where youth, beauty, waist-to-hip ratio, and other physical attributes than wealth and power. Men are judged much more heavily on wealth, power, prestige, and generally their effectiveness as a provider than their appearance.
ReplyI've been so much happier now that I've tried to think not about weight or calories expended or eaten but about my goals of lifting heavier weights and running a 10K by next summer. I'm eating more, but I'm enjoying working out (and life!) more. And my body's reaction to extra food has been to start building muscle even faster than usual.
So, yeah, I am becoming a HUGE proponent of ignoring the external factors and focusing on one's own goals. Which, in order to truly be internal, ought to have NOTHING to do with how you look.
ReplySo lifting weights and smiling works?
I am sixty. I can do that.
Don't bother me now, kid, I'm busy.
ReplyI think women objectify themselves more than men do. Women set these incredibly high standards of appearance for themselves which in many ways mystify the heck out of me. I have no doubt that some of this pressure comes from men, but a lot of it comes from magazines and shows that are run by women and for women.
One other comment, for those who say that your weight is your own business, I do agree for the most part. However, please remember that your health can and does affect the people around you. For example, your healthcare costs are higher but are still pooled together with others who might not have the same issues in most health insurance plans. That said, I still don't think people have the right to walk up to you and start criticizing you. I'm just pointing out that in our society, our health is not always our own business.
Gal
ReplyAnd considering that there's contradiction in a lot of nutritional and exercise studies but the one thing that really hits health hard every time is stress, smiling like you mean it (if you mean it) may make the bigger difference.
Not to sound like a total polyanna or anything, but it seems that stress kills more people than too much candy or tv.
ReplyExercising is not supposed to make you "feel good about yourself". It is supposed to make you "feel good". And you don't have to exercise your "butt off" either. 30 minutes every other day is enough to keep healthy. Throw in a little weight training on the other two days and you have it made. Simple and easy.
ReplyI wish I had taken a photo - anyone reading this live in SF? Driving from the GG bridge to Van Ness, right before the right hand turn, there is a billboard on the left. It shows what appears to be the torso of a normal weight woman - hard to tell what age. She's wearing too-tight jeans, and so her belly is pushed out on above her jeans (she has a bare belly). As far as I can tell, it's an ad for bariatric surgery.
It's so stupid - the implication was that if you couldn't wear skin tight jeans, without some overhang, then you were a candidate for radical treatment.
ReplyAlmost 2 weeks into my first REAL attempt at losing weight since high school, its people gushing over my measly 6 pound loss that is keeping me going. I need more cheerleaders!
ReplyPoignant post. It just sucks how little girls have to be subject to the objectification. It wasn’t until my 30s that I started to accept myself, imperfections and all.
ReplyAs for comments in the gym, it's amazing what a pair of headphones can do to limit approachability. I usually just gesture at my head like, "Can't hear you, go away" on the rare occasion someone tries to talk to me while I'm sweaty and not up for a chat. But even that is really rare--most people don't bother you when you're wearing them.
Quito, that ad sounds sick--in what world does muffintop = bariatric surgery??? Is that a California thing?
ReplyYou know, I've never really "gotten" the Barbie-hate. I mean, it's a doll. My DD has scads of Barbies (I recall my toddler son, coming upon the Naked Barbie Swim Team on the edge of the bathtub. He was terrified of them. I digress, but it was really funny at the time!) and she's constantly dressing and undressing them for camping trips, grocery shopping trips, and fairytale weddings. She gives them all Harelequin-worthy names and never seems to have a Barbie portraying *herself*. I think it's too easy to blame poor plastic Barbara for women's self-image problems. We get it from our mothers and our peers. My mum never complained out loud (or at least never within my earshot) that she was fat or ugly and I'm damned certain to do the same with my kids. I'm overweight but I'm not going around complaining about the size of my butt or my wrinkles or does this make me look fat. Strangely, though, my beautiful 8 year old daughter insists that one pair of jeans she has "makes her butt look big". She didn't get that from me, but she sure didn't get it from Barbie, either.
ReplyChristine--I never got the whole Barbie-hate thing either. My sister and I had about 50 Barbies between us and I owned the one and only Ken doll. Of course, we fought over the clothes and shoes and who got to wear what, but most of the time our Barbies were just average women that we renamed. We would act out elaborate soap-opera like stories involving Barbie being buried alive or getting trapped in a cave with a savage beast (our dog, of course), etc. And of course, they all fought over poor Ken. That is, until we found my brother's 11 1/2 inch GI Joe dolls. They were, of course, superior to Ken in every way, LOL. I don't think we ever even thought Barbies were supposed to be a representation of a real woman. Their legs were "sticky", so that was unnatural; their feet were perma-formed to a high heel (which bugged me because she couldn't wear tennis shoes), their hair was way too long (I cut the hair on most of mine), and their hips were too big in proportion to their waists so the pants never fit right.
Replybe honest with me, is it because Im young and minority why I dont feel the same issues with body image that other ppl have? I have been obese and I have been thin, and felt VERY sorry I let societies standards sink in so deep in High School that I lost around 58 lbs to be "thin" ( then gained about 70lbs back while in college). Now as an obese person trying to get back in shape to avoid diabetes and cancer, I fight against letting society get into my head.
Looking at pictures from HS, I was just smaller, not "thin". Going from overweight(170lbs) -thin(150 Lbs)-Obese (220lbs) I know how ppl act. It was a tremendous act and had me fooled. I suppose my biggest hurdle will be dealing with looks of "acceptance" when I lose some weight.
I suppose, most of us just have to live and learn.
ReplyThat doll is too skinny.
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ReplyWell..this article speaks for me. I have spent all my life striving, trying hard to be perfect. Having a career in the showbiz industry, hanging out with friends who have the same jobs..make me drowned in vanity. Looks are everything in my career. They are my bread & butter.So far I have been doing great. But......still keep on dieting, weighing myself obsessively every day, keeping a food log, measuring inches..and not a day goes by without feeling guilty (I wonder when can this end?). One evening I sat with a friend who's a male model. He's also very strict with his diet. We both agree on this "Once you follow this path of restricting, extreme dieting, for purely vanity purposes..then it will stay with you..forever. There's no way out."
In my warped, deluded mind..women can only be happy if they are a size 0 with big boobs, like Jessica Simpson's..or Jordan's! Basically, be a playmate material, and men will treat you like princesses.
But..is it completely true?? Well, honestly, NO...in my lifetime..I have seen cases..bizzare cases..of overweight women, obese women.getting gorgeous, genuine, loving men!! This is fact!!
Sometimes when I see this, I think "This is unfair! She doesn't have to diet, can stuff her face with anything she likes..and he loves her still, spoils her! Hey, that's not how the world operates!"
But it happens. I saw cases. One most memorable, was in college.
She was morbidly obese, face full of acne/pimples, never go on a diet, no restrictions at all. And he was handsome, very loving, very kind..always around with her. With that proud look on his eyes. The kind of look that's so intoxicated.
Me and my friends discuss about this "Is she paying him?" "Is he in it for the money?" "There must be something"
But it's not the money, because she doesn't have any money! It's PURE LOVE.
Our minds were so warped with delusions of perfection, that when we saw true love..we can't recognize it and treat it as if it's something impossible. It's really sad. And yes, I am jealous. Because most guys I dated were all in it for the looks. And even if you are on hot men magazines every month, even if you look as hot as fire, they still cheat. But this girl, and few other cases I have witnessed myself, found true love, a quality man who loves her for who she is, not trying to change her, intoxicated by her.
Reality is sometimes stranger than fiction.
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