Self-Esteem: Broken in a Moment

This is an excellent post as people need to gaurd themselves against put downs and discrimination. I want everyone to take action and better their life by eating healthier, exercising, and like it to heart what weight loss can do for them. I love my mother but I help her out without pushing her too far and we have heart problems and other diseases. I want her to live long as possible and that wish everyone a great and healthy life.

it always stuns me how calous people can be. and also how clueless they can be about how their words could be affecting others.

Once I thought of carrying a gun and a knife because I was tired of insults.Well,I wish I had had the courage to shoot.I've always admired people who killed others for the right reasons,because some people really deserve to be killed.

Casual cruel comments from random people never got to me, but if someone I loved and respected made some offhand comment about me being a beanpole or too heavy, it would make me mental. Clueless? I have a neighbor who is the queen of the backhanded compliment-- she totally knows what she is doing. I feel more sorry for her, cuz people like that can't be joyful.

Realizing that I'm not what I weigh is encouraging because people go beyond weight and often try to decide how I should dress, look, talk... I totally agree with not putting your self-esteem on other's hands. I believe that I become a stronger individual each time I remember what's important to self.

"someone says words that they have no right to say." People dont have the right to criticize others? People would be better off realizing who they are. I fat person is fat, and ugle people are ugly. If people realize who they are then calous comments dont hold clout. Im fan and i know it, if some one calls me fat its like calling the sky blue or water wet.

One day, years ago, I was studying Karate and my instructor said to me." J. you are getting fat!" Maybe because he was Korean he didn't think it was cruel? It made me pay attention and I lost the weight(about 25 lbs) and never regained it. I , for one, am grateful to him for his statement.

My grandma is the queen of hurtful remarks regarding weight. It wouldn't matter if I weighed 90 lbs or 300 lbs, she'd find something to say. When I was heavier, she constantly made remarks like "Your sister would look so pretty in this! It would make you look stumpy though". Or "Your sister's going to have a lot of boyfriends one day! I hope you plan on going to college so you don't waste that brain of yours". Then when I got thinner, she said "Who's heavier now, you or your sister?". At the time, we actually were the same weight but I was 2 sizes smaller than her because I work out. Her hurtful words gave my aunt an eating disorder and deeply hurt my mother and her other sisters. No one should have to put up with those kinds of comments, but people feel like they have every right to say them.

Another thing...I think there's a difference between outright calling someone "fat" and making backhanded, snide comments like my grandma makes. I'd rather she just called me "fat" and be done with it. I knew I was fat, but I didn't need to hear how perfect my sister was or how I was never getting married because of my weight. There's a big difference between just saying "You're getting a bit fat" and implying that someone's character is somehow affected by them being fat.

I started to get comments that I was getting too thin last time it derailed me. This time I simply told them I was losing with weight watchers and they’d kick me out if I lost too much. I had become a little less in weight then the person who made the comment.
I also got the “You’re too thin to be in a weight watchers.” From another member. I simply told her with a smile it was to keep me from gainig my 100 pluss pounds back."

Self as team is fragile but I had better suport this time to get through hurtful words.

I get fat comments, not directly to me, but overhear them sometimes at (running) races.
I take pleasure in beating those people. (especially back in highschool when I could run a 21:30 5K and almost assuredly beat them) It's seldom those who are secure and have nothing to worry about that make them. It's those who feel they need to compensate.

It blows my mind when somebody makes comments in a situation of fitness, of well-being, and (typically) one of camaraderie.
I'm not quite big enough that I get many comments in my day to day life, but I can imagine how that feels.

I do feel it's sometimes appropriate for someone close to you to say something direct to you (you're getting too thin, or you've gained quite a bit of weight) as a matter of health. If you care about someone, sometimes you have to be tougher on them than you would like to be.

JAKE,as A FAT PERSON I know I am fat.They don't have to say it.But I don't get offended when people say I should lose weight(although I have a brain and I have enough intelligence in it to know that I should)But saying someone is fat and using his/her fatness to insult him/her is different.I don't want to lose weight because of these insults.Who the hell do they think they are and meddle my life?I am responsible for it not they.I know people won't understand this and I don't really care about it,but I am trying not to let them meddle my life if it is me who will suffer the consequences of MY own actions.I DON'T MIND THEIR INSULTS.If this life is mine,if it is mine,it is worth living only without anybody's interference.

Having been overweight since the age of 7, I can categorically say that people talking about your weight, unless you invite them to discuss it, is never, ever, helpful.

I am constantly shocked when people apologise for bullies and rude, malicious people.

A fat person knows that they are fat, and they are dealing with it, in their own way.

Some idiot holding me down, and beating me, whilst calling me 'fat' has never inspired anything in me!

I notice that these 'Noble Truth Sayings' (As you apologists would paint them as) never had the guts to come up to me when I reached 6 foot 3. Where was their free wheeling truth slanging then?

I invite anyone who feels that they have the courage to tell me I am fat, to my face, to do it in real life?

There wouldn't be many takers.

So think about their courage, when you apologise for these cruel and viscious people.

Dr J,YOUR INSTRUCTOR TOLD YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR YOUR HEALTH,NOT TO INSULT YOU.yOU KNOW PEOPLE MUST BE FIT TO DO KARATE.

I remember a comment a guy friend made about my weight once. I was 16 and had dropped quite a bit of weight since I last saw him (I was actually anorexic). He fell over himself saying how great I looked, and how I could be a model, and how last time he saw me I was kind of chubby. I went home and cried!
The problem is that there will always, always be people who say hurtful things about us, and we have to decide if they are worth feeling all this hurt about ourselves. In reality they are probably suffering from low self esteem themselves. I try not to give people like this so much power.

My goodness, people. Every problem contains its own solution. If you are sensitive about your weight or anything else, sit down and PLAN what you'll say to people whose sensibility quotient is a minus quantity. Preparation is key.

I have a whole repertoire of comebacks. The mildest is, "Who's writing your book for you? And who will read it to you?" This is in response to an inappropriate question, from I don't care whom. I find answering questions with other questions is the most fun.

Oh, there are ways to fight fire with fire. If you make yourself miserable because of what some dipstick says, they've achieved their purpose. Don't give them the satisfaction.

zeynep,
You can be fit enough to do martial arts and still be overweight. Look at Steven Segal.

Sometimes people say something like that accidently in a way it's not meant to be construed. My mom is a seamstress at a bridal store and once she made some comment about a bride's dress size in what she thought was a harmless manner, but it turned out the bride was a recovering anorexic and took it the wrong way. The bride later came back and apologized for overreacting, but it was just an uncomfortable situation for both of them.

It is very true that mean comments can hurt us a lot. They add up. A "friend" of mine used to constantly comment on my weight, particularly my recent weight gain, and brag about her own thin body ad nauseam.

It was ridiculous--it was as if her thin body was the only thing she had to feel good about, and so she would attempt to discount all my accomplishments, such as grad school, by attacking my weight (and anything else she could think of, such as my partner, my other friends, and my career choices, but none of that is directly related to the thread).

Result? I've finally broken off our friendship, which I should have done about a decade ago. And you know what? I feel so much freer. I have many other people in my life; friends, family and acquaintances, who are much more supportive and are positive influences in my life. I can't believe it took me so long to wake up.

I can relat to the last comment.
I lived with a thin roomate and I felt inferior to her because she was sooo thin and I wasnt. I had gotten fat and it made me mad.

Derin, the people who hate your fat really hate
something inside themselves. Don't let them make
you want to kill somebody! They are basically stupid
and not worth your anger. B.

Well,of course I won't kill anybody.But I don't feel sorry for anyone dying of several reasons.I don't even feel sorry for people dying in wars,in africa,in the middle east,earthquakes etc.Because I always have in my mind 'if they lived and saw me,they would probably insult and taunt me,so why should I feel sorry for them?'I am sure not every person dying in wars,quakes etc are good people.

Hi, Derin: You seem to be an interesting young man. I am writing an autobiographical novel called 'Diet', and am in need of characters. Women are usually focused in diet stories so I thought it would be timely to give a mans' take on dieting and being large in a small-minded society. Yes, I too am Big, have been all my life, except for the anorexia-smoking years... Would you consider giving me some more input about your life, family relationships, etc.? Your real name, of course, would not be used. If you are agreeable, just answer thru the Diet-Blog. Thanks, Betsy

I amnot a man.Derin is my nickname.It is turkish and means 'deep'.And I've always been considered weird by my family.

even better! Whaddaya say? I need more than one character! B

I don't know but as you live in the us,I think you should choose someone american.

Hi, Derin; By the way, what a pretty name! I take it, then, that you're living outside the U.S.. Well,
as a life-long dieter, I will definitely agree that those fat-jokes and barbs hurt. Over the years I've lost weight in unhealthy ways just to get people off my back. At one time when I was very skinny, all the guys wanted me, but they really didn't know or even like me that much. They didn't know me because I thought they were only interested in my body and didn't think they'd be interested in what I had to say. It was all just sex, parties, and good-bye.
I did get older, and wiser. I went back to school and got a degree in Graphic Design. Later on I decided that I liked painting pictures alot better, so I did that. I just recently was part of an art show in Atlanta, so I feel pretty good about that.
And I would like to write a book.
My answer to people who look down on me because I'm fat is that "Living Well is the best revenge".
I am living well, I have a husband who knows me
inside and out and he still loves me.
Yes, of course I will always want to lose weight. At
my age(53)it is now even more important to do so.
Not in a crazy way, but in a way that I can live with the rest of my life. I've started by leaving the ice-cream alone (mostly) and less snacking right before
bedtime. Derin, I believe you are intelligent with a
good soul. It is my hope that you can find friends who
like what's inside of you. Warm Regards, Betsy

Thank you.

I have been gaining weight this year at an incredibly fast rate. It's not that I don't know how to eat healthy, it's that I use eating as an activity. Unlike all of the harried people you hear about that "have too many things to do and just never have enough time", I am unemployed, looking for a job and my husband is gone 4 days a week. So, I eat to have something to do. I know it's wrong but it just doesn't matter. Until today.

I'm starting a journal and writing down what I eat, what I feel, and what I'm doing that's positive each day. I hope to continue to post to this site. It's one of the positive actions that I hope will help!

I Just want to say something my husband has said to me recently to see if others think it unreasonable. I was very hurt by it and am feeling very angry by it. I am 33 and we have been married over 10 years. We have 3 children two of which are twins. He said you need to lose weight so I will find you more attractive. I don't feel urge to sleep with you because of your belly. You really only have 5 more years to have a nice body. Then you will be too old to lose weight. He also says I should apologise to him for my weight for the last 5 years. The twins are 5. I am 5 foot 7 inches tall and weigh 156 pounds. When we met I was 127 pounds and when we married about 145 pounds. I want ot know whatI can do to stop his comments. He is also overweight himself but he seems to think it is ok for him to be big but not me. I have always been very concerned about my weight.

Tell him you'll apologize for your weight when he apologizes for being such a shithead.

Jean said:
I Just want to say something my husband has said to me recently to see if others think it unreasonable. I was very hurt by it and am feeling very angry by it. I am 33 and we have been married over 10 years. We have 3 children two of which are twins. He said you need to lose weight so I will find you more attractive. I don't feel urge to sleep with [...]

Jean, your husband is definitely being unreasonable - but I guess it's better that he's being open about it so you two can deal with the situation, instead of walking around sulking to himself and not telling you what the problem is.

Most people gain a little weight after getting married. You don't owe him an apology for your moderate weight gain, any more than he owes you an apology for his weight gain. As teammates in a marriage, you do owe it to each other to stay healthy, and to be supportive of each other's efforts to do it.

Big question: is he generally happy, kind, and satisfied with your marriage, aside from this recent bout of complaining? Or do you think that if he couldn't complain about your weight, he would just find something else to complain about? Most marriages develop problems near the 10-year mark; if the two of you have fallen into a pattern where he complains about something and you get defensive, it may be time to break that pattern...

Good luck to you.

I'd NEVER apologize for my weight to anybody. My husband has gained a little weight since we got married, but I never say anything to him about it because I think that would be hurtful. I know he didn't gain weight on purpose or anything...neither did you; it's a fact of life. It's not like you're obese or anything...it's just a few vanity pounds. I would talk to your husband about it more...if there are other issues with your marriage, maybe he is trying to use the "I don't want to sleep with you b/c you're fat" line because he doesn't want to sleep with you for other reasons.

At any rate, you shouldn't have to put up with him telling you how you should look and how much you should weigh. I'm sure he's in perfect shape, too, right? He's got a 6 pack and everything, right? LMAO. Make him apologize for that if you have to apologize for gaining a few pounds.

Oh, and who said anything about there being a time limit on having a good body? I know plenty of women in their 40s and 50s with great bodies. You just have to put in a little effort to maintain your muscle mass :)

Comments and self esteem do really have a cause and effect cycle. This is based on my experience. I was obese, weighed 190 lbs, due to depression. My height is 5 ft 8. And now I'm back to my svelte 110 lbs self. I lost 80 lbs in 2 years. An innocent stranger commenting "You're too fat for that dress" triggered my strict diet, leading to an anorexic lifestyle I maintained until now.

I remember a magazine article featuring DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) -who had gastric bypass surgery- saying that whenever he walks in a crowded room all by himself, his mind still says "I am fat". Even after he lost all that weight.
I still feel that way. Whenever I look in the mirror, I feel fat. When I am on a date, I feel fat. Even when people tell me that I look fabulous.

I'm still not satisfied with 110 lbs, I want to go to 100 lbs. I always want more. Things get up to the point where my boyfriend has to supervise me eat. Which makes me angry, thinking that he just wants me to get ugly and fat so he can have a reason to cheat.

Point is, even after you get the dream body..the broken self esteem is still there.