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At a height of 5' 2" - she was clearly classified as obese. As a teenager she had no shortage of peers who reminded her of the fact. Every other girl seemed taller. Every other girl seemed slimmer.
What followed was a journey through dieting, through eating disorders, through failures and struggles. Rene finally emerged as a woman of incredible strength - emotionally and physically. Here is her story so far...
Food as Comfort
Being a quintessential 'fat girl' - Rene dieted and dieted. That only drove her to reach for more junk food.
Which only made her fatter.
Which only made her sadder.
Which led her to reach for more junk food.
The Slippery Slope
One day, something snapped and Rene experienced her first bulimic episode. In the ensuing months she began a dark addictive spiral that was to last nine years. There were mountains and there were valleys. The mountains were called recovery, and the valleys often ended in a hospital with a body weight as low as 90 pounds.
Steal, Kill, and Destroy
The bulimia stayed. It outlasted relationships. It outlasted countries. It outlasted clinics. It outlasted hospital visits. It even stayed into motherhood.
Rene called it the "killer friend". She hated it. She hated the voices, and yet she continually struggled to evict it. Rene was terrified of the fat and terrified of the mirror. Her disorder was the outlet for all the angst - but its mission was to steal, kill, and destroy:
Steal her inner peace.
Kill her body.
Destroy her family.
Exercise Is A Part of Life
In one episode of recovery Rene realized that in order to manage her weight like a normal person - she would have to learn to exercise properly. She enrolled in a gym and was given a standard program of weights and cardio training. She tried to get her diet 'right' - but there was something about meal plans and food restrictions that put her on the edge of a cliff. Falling off the cliff would plunge her right back into the vicious spiral.
She learned about good nutrition, and how to choose better foods. She still enjoyed her snacks - but learnt how to enjoy them in moderation.
Weights & Cardio - How Long Will It Last?
Her period of recovery continued. She stayed faithful in her trips to the gym, and began to enjoy lifting weights. It wasn't all easy going. Due to inaccurate testing, a gym worker incorrectly measured her body fat and advised her she was getting fat. Suddenly life seemed to go into a tailspin. The poorly informed gym worker told her that the weights were bulking her, and she should do even more cardio training.
The gym worker had made a mistake. Fortunately Rene made a choice to ignore the worker - and follow her own instincts.
As in most gyms, people who lift weights often talk about bodybuilding. For Rene bodybuilding was intriguing but troubling. It was all about how you looked. Once again living up to an imposed standard where you never quite felt good enough. Rene had had her fill of being judged by appearance.
Would she be able to continue with her new exercise lifestyle without clear goals?
Enter Powerlifting
In a corner of the gym Rene often saw a bunch of guys training with heavy weights. They were average guys - solidly built to be sure - but no 6 pack abs or hairless tans. There didn't seem to be many women working the free weights - many of the women barely looked up from their Cosmo - while belting out another 30 minutes on the stationary bike. Every gym has its culture.
Rene asked a gym worker about the heavy training. The gym worker advised her they were 'powerlifters' - weight lifters who focused on the Bench Press, Squat, and Deadlift. The female gym worker also added "Oh - you don't dare want to get into that - huh - you might end up looking like one of those big women weight lifters".
Despite such comments - there was something attractive about her body becoming strong and useful.
Filling the Void
The rest, as they say, is history.
Rene just competed in her first regional powerlifting competition. She deadlifted 225 pounds - twice her body weight. Few people in the team or the audience knew that Rene could once barely walk a long distance without fainting.
Powerlifting has filled the void that the eating disorder used to occupy. Starvation and vomiting are incompatible with lifting heavy weights.
Rene maintains a stable weight. There is no 'dieting' - she chooses mostly good foods - and still enjoys her packets of chips and/or chocolate - but in moderation. She trains 4 times a week and trains hard. Her body has changed. Once again it doesn't reflect the media's ideal. That's because we are all unique - bone structure, muscular disposition, and fat placement.
The voices of the eating disorder will always haunt her. But today - and hopefully everyday - she chooses to ignore them.
A Miracle
Remember women's liberation? In reality it seems that women are judged (more than ever before) by the way they look - as if a woman was little more than a walking coat hanger. Sadly many women perpetuate such a sentiment.
Thank you Rene - for demonstrating to your two young daughters - that a woman can set goals and achieve them. That she can be strong and courageous. That she can make her own choices - independent of the crowd.
And... that there is always hope.
Always.
___________
See Rene's eating disorder support site.
Wow, thanks for posting this.
They often say you trade one bad habit for another. Perhaps it could be said that she really didn't change her obsession with her body, she just refocused it in a positive direction.
Kudos to her for being able to pull herself out of the Bulemia spiral and recognize her problems. Even more so for seeing the limitations in the plan she had developed (exercising in general) and modifying it in order to get better results.
-Danielle
ReplyInspiring. Anyone interested go see Mistress Krista at http://www.stumptuous.com
ReplyGreat Story!
It inspires some deep thought!
ReplyEating disorders usually begin as a way to cope with the external world and one's own insecurities. At first the eating disorder appears as a friend, but soon becomes as Renee describes a "killer friend" who will not leave. In my work with those with eating disorders I have found the journey to health involves finding your own unique strength. In Renee's case it has manifested as physical strength, for some one else it might be the strength to speak honestly. While we are right to worry about the physical effects of childhood obesity, it is important not to forget the emotional devastation caused by teasing children about their weight.
ReplyFantastic.
I love seeing people win these battles.
ReplyWhat a great story. I'm trying to find a healthy lifestyle for myself through athletics, and this was really inspiring!
ReplyThanks for helping to keep Anorexia in the public awareness. It is a potentially fatal but very treatable illness.
www.antiagingatlanta.com
ReplyRene should, like, patent herself as a Negative Energy Converter... Props, props abound, madame! I have to admit, I was a little frightened during the part where that gym worker misinformed her of a weight issue. Were I in Rene's position, I'm not sure that I would've been able to handle such a comment.
ReplyEating disorders as I call they are the demons that will always be on my shoulder. It's what I choose to do, is ignore them. I have had an eating disorder since I was the age of 14, I am now 45. Life has been a struggle. From Anorexia to Bulimia, it's a terrible battle. Being hospitalized, going to food meetings for support. I have worked out all my life, I know that this is the healthiest way to stay in shape. I go to extremes at time even now, If I think I ate too much at lunch I will get on the eliptical for an hour to ensure I do not carry any extra weight, it's purging but in a different way. I will go ride 30 miles on my bike just so I can enjoy a great dinner.
ReplyThe society say's thin, yet there are so many people that are very over weight. People just don't get out there and exercise. I am an extremist. At 45 I have the stamina of a 25 year old. I get my heart checked on an annual basis and thank fully I am in tip top shape. I encourage others that diet and excercise is the key. Low fat diets is essential. I do believe that rewarding yourself once a week on whatever it is you like to eat is important too.
Congratulations to Rene, keep up the good work!
ReplyHorray for Rene, I too have suffered from this struggle of one eating disorder or another for 25 years. Once you get into disordered eating, its tough not to develop an eating disorder. Then it does tend to always be with you. I have had periods of recovery though. And exercise and a better diet are key. I believe though that restricting is asking for trouble. If foods are off limits I crave them more. I put some of everything in me diet. Also, prozac and lamictal have helped me greatly - along with a 12 step program and my higher power!
ReplyTerra and Amy-
Thank you for sharing. I have no idea what it is like to suffer from an eating disorder, but I am sure it is an every-day challenge to keep yourselves healthy. As Terra alluded, do you find that you've taken on another obsessive behavior to distract from the eating disorder? Do you have kids? How would you talk to your kids about body image and eating disorders?
So many people seem to think that kids just need to see an example of what their lives could turn out to be. But I know that when I was a kid, my thought was always, "so that happened to them, but it won't happen to me." I was just wondering if you've found that your personal experiences have helped influence any one towards not starting down that path, or finding help once they're on it.
Thanks,
ReplyDanielle
NOTE: Some comments in this post have been removed or edited (due to being completely off-topic). This very rarely occurs - and apologies to those who were meaning well - but on such a personal and honest story - I would ask that comments remain on-topic.
If a comment is inappropriate - it will be dealt with by the moderator. Please do not feed the trolls.
ReplyI have an eating disorder of compulsive overeating. I am 4' 11". I am in a 12 step program and although I am not bulemic, I sponsor bulemics. I find that those who are able to get in touch with thir spiritual side do pretty well. The balance of body, mind and spirit is essential to well being. I find that when I am unable to exercise, the same amount of food will cause me to gain weight. I love to walk, so I try to walk a few times a week. This simple exercise keeps me healthy. I was able to continue to eat healthy by talking to a sponsor and to those I sponsor through getting married followed immediately by my mother dying of cancer. Without the spiritual support I was receiving, I would in the past have been overeating to stuff my feelings. I thank God that I was able to continue to eat healthy one day at a time.
ReplyGREAT JOB!!!! AWESOME WAY TO REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS!
ReplyGreat Post!
--Matt
ReplyLouise-
It's great that you've found a way to deal with your compulsion. Your support network must be very strong, helping you through so many BIG life changes. Congratulations on finding a way to overcome and helping others do the same.
I assume that you find enough similarity between your compulsive overeating and bulemia to be an effective sponsor. Is this true, or do you think you'd be just as effective towards an anorexic?
Again, congratulations on finding the help you need and sticking with it.
-Danielle
ReplyIt is so ironic that today is the day I find to read this story. I am a 45 year old female who is struggling with an eating disorder myself. For the last 6 years of my life I have been anorexic..so bad that at 5'5" I was down to 58 lbs at one point. It is a true miracle that I am here today to be posting this because I truly should have died due to the abuse I put my body through. After going into a treatment program that didn't work for me I contiuned consuling with an eating disorder consulors and my doctor who never treated someone like me before. Being in the hospital numerous times wasn't enough for me to stop and stil to this day I struggle being under 100 lbs. Of course I won't step on a scale even though body weight was never my issue...control is the true reason I started restricting. Exercise is my way of purgering but now that I allow myself to eat a few meals on the weekends (don't eat at all during the week) I find that I'm starting to purge with vomiting. Trying to allow myself the freedom of eating if though I say it's a lot of food my family tells me it is the normal way people eat!!! I've even starting letting myself have dessert on the weekends but then feel so guilty after that. I too exercise to the extreme and would love to let this devil inside my go but it's so hard. The longer I have this disease and don't release it the harder it will be to ever be free of it. I am so proud and happy for the people that find true happiness and live what is a normal life for them. They truly are the strong ones in this world. Congratulations and continue success with life!!! Good luck to all the others out there that struggle too. God Bless :-)
ReplyToo bad women are so concerned about their figures that they are unhealthy. Great post here. Congrats to Rene.
ReplyIsn't it horrible a lot of men don't know how trapped women feel? I can't help but wonder if they knew how it feels to live up to an impossible image ...would they still make some of the comments they do about women? If they really had to live in the shoes of women through bullemia, anorexia, stomach stapling, breast augmentation, face lifts, makeup, and the body transformation pregnancy brings ....would they have more compassion and change what is beautiful to them? This is not to say that eating disorders are purely a female thing or even that all men are superficial but there is no denying body image is a problem for women more so than men. I sometimes work in the entertainment industry and the women know that their jobs are to keep the fat off at all costs. For me ...I lost 60 pounds in three months and felt good about it ...then of course ..gained it back. When you're thin no one questions how you lost the weight ...they congratulate you ..and tell you how great you look ...until it becomes a problem ..and you start to look sick. Right now I'm at a point where I am struggling to lose the weight again and it's so hard. I thought about throwing up on several occasions but have never done it. Every time I turn on the tv, look at a magazine, or simply walk around LA the urge comes back. Eating low carb is the only thing that ever helped me. So far I lost 13 pounds doing that but I'm so afraid that if I stop I'll go back to where I used to be. I weigh myself every day and wonder when my weight became such an obsession. When I'm on the treadmill sometimes I get angry. I think of all the people who stare at the women on tv and gush about how beautiful they are even when they know their thin figures are largely due in part to eating disorders, surgery, and working out obsessively.I feel the pressure in my dating life to live up to that image also. There is always that fear of being traded in for a thinner, younger version of me. I was once told by someone who I thought I loved ...that if I were only a little bit thinner he could love me. I carry that with me. No one has the answers as to why I'm not thin and believe me it's not from lack of trying or following directions. Doctors just point to the food pyramid and nutritionists say portion, portion, portion ...but neither can explain why some people can eat a lot of supposedly "bad" foods and stay thin with no excercise ...while others work very hard to stay semi-chubby. I guess if they really knew the answers to that burning question then there wouldn't be fat doctors and nutritionists. I listen to all the answers ...from experts, from thin people, from gym rats, from family, from friends, from books, and television because my only other choices are depression or purging. So where do all these answers leave me? The same place it's left the rest of the people in this country ...obesity, eating disorders and crash dieting. I guess I'll continue to look for answers.
ReplyWow, what a great story and an inspiration....I hope I can someday say I am a "former bulimic".
ReplyThat is an awesome story! Thanks for posting this.
ReplyAnorexia for me means a disease to the mind. People who fight anorexia are sort of attempting suicide by starving themselfs. they do not believe they are worthy to live....i feel so sorry for these people. When they do not realize that the people who surround them love them dearly and are heart broken about their little girl or boy. The best way to help them is to give them unconditional love and support.
ReplyI feel so sad for those people who have anorexia. It's a disease to the mind. They do not think they are worthy enough to live. When really, they deserve to live. I feel expecially sorry for the girls and boys who are going through treatment and all the doctors do is say "we need to get you fatter" and stick a tube down there throat. How do you think that makes them feel, when you say they need to get fatter? All they think is NO. The best that you can do for them is give them unconditional love and support. Love them 24/7. That is the only way you can get them back on the road to recovery.
ReplyI completely sympathize with Rene's struggle. At 5'1" I topped off at 207 pounds in high school. I lost about 75-80 pounds in my senior year, but became a compulsive eater thereafter because all I knew was gluttony (from my childhood) or dieting. I went to Cornell for college, and got an Ivy League nutrition education, and even did research on obesity. I went on to do a 2 year NIH research fellowship in nutrition. Ironically, my education didn't help me at all. What helped me was to submit to God, and let Him reveal to me the reasons why I ate when I wasn't hungry.
At 41,I now reccommend that the the best way to conquer an eating disorder is to actually allow ourselves to enjoy eating delicious, fattening foods in moderation. We should break free from all those restrictive rules about what we should or should not eat, and learn to eat when we feel God-given hunger pangs.
I have written a Christian workbook on eating disorders, and hope that one day I will hear testimonials on how it helped people break free from the bondage of eating disorders.
ReplyI am in the middle of them most powerful battle of my life and it is very encouraging to hear both from the writer and the MD commenting. That is the process that I am undergoing. Breaking free from gluttony through submitting my appetites to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and receiving the fruit of the Spirit of God which is self-control and moderation. It's awesome. Those of you who can pray. Please say a few 4 me as I will 4 U.
ReplyHi, Uniqq. It's been two years since we posted these comments, but in case you want to see my website on the Christ-centered weight loss program that I developed, check out my website http://www.TheEdenDiet.com.
ReplyHey me too...I used to be the fat kid and then I started playing tennis. A lot of tennis. I lost weight, gained muscle, suddenly felt in control of something that previously felt like a handicap that would remain with me for the rest of my life. Now I'm working out on my way to my ideal weight - all because of sports!
ReplyThis is an awesome story that displayed extreme strength. I loved reading every word of it. Beautiful.
ReplyAt least you see reality
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