The MyPyramid Parody

I also did a parody of that awful new food pyramid.

I think that basically, the new food guide pyramid is a mess. Sure it shows that stair-climbing guy out there, but it says: "Only 30 minutes of physical activity", but the rest is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Now, My pyramid would make more sense. Exercise stays on the pyramid, but that ends there. On the bottom of the pyramid, you need at least a gallon of water a day. It never shows up on the food guide pyramid, yet our primary source of water is the most important nutrient we need. Unless the USDA wets the food pyramid with a gallon of water, many people in America are going to go dehydrated.

Second of all, the USDA MyPyramid clarifies that we need lots of whole grains alot. Fokes, WHOLE GRAINS ARE NUTRIENT POOR, other than have a dose of fiber. Commercial cereals claim "excellent source of fiber", yet they contain a punnie 2 grams of fiber per serving. 3 servings of whole grains there contain only 6 grams of fiber. WHAT? Apples contain 5 grams of fiber. And say: "WHOLE GRAINS FOR THE FIBER!" But, on my second layer of the pyramid, it would consist of this: "5 to 8 serving of dark green leafy vegtables, 2 to 4 servings of dark fruits." Dark fruits would include: red apples, plums, purple graps, blueberries, Acai berries. Citrus fruits are included, because they contain citruc acid which are good for you.

Nuts are about 1 to 3 servings. Part of it: 2 coconuts a week, and 2 avacados a week. Don't get me wrong about the sautrated fats. As long as they arn't processed saturated fats, they won't harm you. Avacados also contain good unsaturated fats. Make sure that you buy all fruits, veggies, and nuts organic, no matter the effects. Pesticides added on to plants damage your health, and damage the enviournment. They say organic veggies should be passed because of no sugnificint improvements on health effects, but still, buy veggies organic. It's good for earth in the long run anyways.

The next step: dairy. Perferrably, raw, whole milk, eggs, and yogurt. All dairy products should be organic, grass-fed. That's the great source for CLA (Another essential fatty acid). Don't rely on these pills: they are ineffective and not good for you. CLA is only found in grass-fed free-range dairy products.

The next stop: Meats. Fish should be on your diet. Be careful though, because some species of fish contain mercury, but fish is still a health food, as they contain omega 3 fatty acids. next: lean, grass-fed red meat, particully bison. Red meat has gotten a bad rap for "colerectal cancer", but it's really the processed meats and grain and corn-fed lot-fed red meats. However, red meat that's free-ranged and grass-fed up to the time of slaughter (Absolutely NO grain has been fed till the time of slaughter, with the exception of fish oil). The saturated fats in lean grass-fed organic red-meats won't be much harm to you at all, as the CLA fatty acids in the lean meat will help your body process the saturated fats consumed when you eat the healthy meat. Red meats do actually contain more nutrients in chicken.

Then, fats, oils, salts, and sweetners. Olive oils, almond oils, grapeseed oils, and nut oils (except for peanut oil) can be used for salad dressings and for sauteing. When cooking or spreeding, coconut oils hit the spot, as well as grass-fed butter and lard. Canola, soy, safflower, vegtable and polyunsaturated oils? Avoid them. They are rancid and will cause health problems. When it comes to sweetners and salts, iodinzed sea salt and stevia is the best! Table sucrose sugar? Use sparingly. Aspertame (Nutrasweet, equal) and Surcalose (Splenda)? Avoid!

Next off: Go easy on whole grains. It's fine if you can chow down a cereal (perferrably organic, whole grain) a day for breakfast, but use in moderation. Processed foods like sausages, refined hambergures, bacon, beef jerkies, fruit candies, refined fruit juices, refined cereals (like Cocoa puffs), refined breads? use sparengly. Soy products, sugary foods, starchy foods, and refined foods, fats, and oils? Avoid them! Soy is bad for you, and excess sugar can ruin your immune system. Starchy foods (sweet potatos and yams are the only exceptions) should be avoided because it will plump all that sugar directly on to your blood stream shocking the pancreas. No wander we are diabetics!)

But as for diatery suppliments, we sugest: a good quality mutivitamin a day (Don't take these so-called vitamin-enriched cereals, they are sugar and do more harm than good). Take your daily doses of fish oil, and eat 1 ounce of dark chocolate a day. Dark chocolate protects your heart, and do some good stuff. But treat it as a suppliment, not as an indulgement. Use some almond butter to counteract the saturated fat in the chocolate. By the way, almond butter has more nutritional value than peanut butter, tastes sweeter, and has vitamin E in it.

And lastly, go as organic as possible. Talk to the USDA about your concerns of pesticides. Genetic altering is acceptable as a means of nutritional value (I like to see antioxident-rich purple apples!), but genetic alterning to make it resistant to something is unacceptable as that causes superweeds.

One size doesn't fit all. MyPyramid Plan can help you choose the foods and amounts that are right for you. For a quick estimate of what and how much you need to eat, enter your age, sex, and activity level in the MyPyramid Plan box.

For a detailed assessment of your food intake and physical activity level, click on MyPyramid Tracker.

Use the advice "Inside MyPyramid" to help you
Make smart choices from every food group,
Find your balance between food and physical activity, and
Get the most nutrition out of your calories.

I can't find mypyramid.org - the satire - where can I find it?

Amanda